She’s a Brick House Chapter 3
The characters of the Southern Vampire Mysteries belong to Miss Charlaine Harris. No infringement on my part is intended. The characters on True Blood belong to Mr. Alan Ball. No infringement on my part is intended.
I have no BETA, editor, or other such charming person. All mistakes are my own.
This story is rated M.
Lafayette sat on the couch, thumbing his way through a more modern version of The Three Little Pigs. There were great illustrations of them as construction workers. As modern as that tale was, he thought maybe Angelica Pigg was just a bit more modern being so very free and easy with her personal loving ways. Oh well, nothing to do but play the plot twist you had been given. And so he began:
“You has to know. I love my momma and my granny. They are just the best. But they are old and do not understand what it means to be young. I mean youn-n-n-n-ng,” she batted her eye lashes and ran her hands over her curves. “So young and the sex so good that I had burned down my house! Mmm-hmmm spark causin’ sex! Who else can says that? That is what I thoughts! Yous may have a little some’n some’n goin’ on, but not holy smokes, literally!
So ‘cause of good sex, I now sleep out on the little porch because, frankly, it smells like old women in there. Cheap hair spray, what the fucks is Aqua Net? Some type of old person aches and pains ointment. Oh, and don’t use that for a lube. Just sayn’. And walking sticks and canes and heatin’ pads everywheres you turn—and no tampons or pads, anywhere, I mights add—if you could turn. Why, there is not even room for a fart! Good thing Granny farts in her sleep while Momma farts while she is awake. If they were to both do it at the same time, they would blow each other out of the house! It is just tight, like certain young, desirable parts of me.
Honestly, I have more room out here on the stoop because inside there is one table, two chairs, two plates, two forks (not fucks), and two straw pallets on the floor. All of it handmade. Nothin’ purchased. All of it sayin’ old woman lives here and nothin’ saying about understandin’ bein’ young and pretty and a body built to be loved-d-d-d-d!
And they don’t understand about men. Mmm-hmm. I knows about men. And might-t-ty fine men at thats. Yes, they is always good lookin’, smells nice, and knows how to show a girl a good, good, time. Why, they tell me I am so hot and desirable and they want me so much, they can’t take the time to rent a room, or have buy me a meal, or to take me home to meet their momma. And nice things, they all want to buy me jewelry and whisk me away someplace I have never been. They all tell me they want to do these fine things for me, but I just make their parts aches with needs and I have had me some real men in places you cannot begins to believe…just ‘cause they wanted me and those words they whispered with desire made me wants them, too.
See, I understands about men’s needs and not being able to wait.
And Alcide, he is a great big sigh and sigh, again. I thought he was the one. We were so fine together. He owned a circus! And has traveled and seen and done…and, I can’t help but giggle…he has done the royalty of Europe and queens and maybe even a few kings, he confided. But you know what, he said I was the best sex partner he has ever had. Me…little ‘ole not beens anywhere or studieds, me. Yes, and he thought I was the one, as well. Until we had sex the other mornin’ that was so hot it burned down my house. Honest…our sparks caused it to go up in flames! He woke me up and we both ski-daddled. Once we met up agains outside, he explained to me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me but just look at what happened! We burned down the house! Could either of us truly be responsible for perhaps causin’ an entire village to catch fire? We sat and cried and held each other for a while and a bit and then we said goodbye and that we were just not destined to be. I could only agrees with him. Just like in Romeo and Juliet, we are star-crossed lovers. Mmm-hmmm…sigh…
So I mades my way to Granny’s and here I ams. I wish upon a star that my momma had not sold her house. I had my own girly room there and I knew where she kept the bottle of relaxation. Here at Granny’s there is no rooms and no liquors to speak of or at least I have not founds it yet. And both these old womens are expectin’ me to pull weeds and gather firewoods for the hearth. And I have only been here two days! I thought maybe I was a guest. For sure, I was almost a marrieds daughter! Bringing home a man with a steady income and almost changin’ my last name to his! That has got to count for somethin’!
But on the plus side, Momma understands about shoes! And how a girl needs her shoes! So, yesterday Momma bought for me some squealin’ wee wee wee all the way home red sparkles shoes of the runners of the tenny. My feet have ne-e-e-ver looked so goods!
Cannot say the same for my fine ass this mornin’. Last night out here under this stoop, it thundered, it lightnin’d and it poured down on top of me and all around my gorgeous Pigg self. Not wantin’ to get my nightly wet, I stripped down to just all this bare-assed fineness that is me. I had me a little river running down my ass crack. Now parts of that reason is because I likes to sleep on my tummy tum tum with my ass stuck up in the air. Sorta like a white round beacon in the night my granny says, as it signals to the sailors from the troop ships and what ever fleets happens to be in ports. I do so like me a sailor, mmm-hmmm! They would understand and possibly appreciate my ass crying a river. Seeing as how they know water and all.
But it was a dark and stormy night and not even my white ass could break through all that gloom. Now, this stoop is nice enough but has only the tiny of the tiny covers and it rained down on me during the longs and drearys nighst and my tail this earliness is not only curly but is k-i-n-k-y as well. Suuuu-eeee! Lordies I could use somethin’ hot right now…where or where is a well-endowed male when you need one? I have yet to meet me one who does not like bacon first things in the mornin’.
And so when I says that a line of beef cakes follows me around…well, it does…and I has never had to settle for breakfast link sausages…mmm-mmmm…no indeed…plump, thick, hot, and sat-is-fyin’ wursts are more my style.
Now that makes no never minds because Momma says I gots to get up and be to Bangelica’s for the sun clears the horizon. Says tis best if I am on the moves before the men folks are up. Cause I cause a parade where ever’s I go. Just fact.
So, I am off to see my half-wit sister. I don’t know what all the fuss is about and why Momma always says, ‘Poor Bangelica.’ Being a half-wit is better than being a no wit. I mean, half is half. I’d rather have half a well hung male then no male at all. Better than being a nothin’. I mean Granny always tells me, why pay for milk when you can have the cow for free. I think free is good and I always high-five her and nod in agreement. I can onlys hopes my sister dear lets me stays for free cause I don’t know where that cow is Granny is always referencin’. I could sure use hers right about now. A glass of warm milk sounds yummy! Then I’d sell her ass so I’d have a little foldin’ money. I don’t have a new man yet but I like for my man to dress nice and I like to buy him nice things. Until I find that cow, I hope sister dear has some of her inheritance left and does not mind loaning it to me if Mr. Right comes along.” Holding her hand out to check the weather, she smiled when she pulled it back in.
“Rain has let up. Times to go.”
Pamela let out a low moan and then yelled, “Awwww, really!” as she banged her head against the back of the chair.
“I can’t seems to keep my legs closed, plus make inferences. La La says you gets to define half-wit.”
Pamela’s eyes fastened on Lafayette and then shook her fists at the heavens. “Just fine then,” she hissed through her teeth. “Here we go.”
“Sissssss-ter,” Bangelica heard through her walls. “Tis I, your sister! Please let me in.”
“Which sister?” Angelica heard in reply.
“Yous Angelica,” was called back through a crack in the wall. “Sees my perfects eye shadow? My pouty full lips. My perfects ass,” she turned around and wiggled her butt.
“That’s some kink in your tail,” Bangelica said as Angelica turned back around and saw the eye staring back through the sticks. “I don’t recognize that. But I do know that white ass. Looks like granny’s.”
“What?” Angelica shrieked and then got control of herself. It was going to start raining and she needed to get out of the rain. “And I gots some smokin’ hots new shoes. All red and sparkles. You know how Angelica loves her red shoes and Miss Dorothy! My shoes is just like in the lands of Oz.”
“Oz?” Bangelica’s lips could be seen moving through the cracks. “I see you wearin’ Trudy’s shoes. Are you sure you are not Trudy? I thought Trudy from Oz was dead. Is that you Trudy?” she whispered and crossed, herself. “Have you come back to haunt me?”
“I ams not Trudy. I am not from that Oz, as in Australia. I am yous sister, Angelica. You know, Granny would always say in reference to me why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free.”
“A cow, yes Granny would say that but you look like a pig. You look like my sister Angelica,” she said.
“Cause I am. Looks like rain, open this here door before I huffs and I puffs and I blows yous house down.”
Bangelica opened the door just as the wind howled through. Slamming it shut, the rain started and the wind, along with the rain, howled through the walls, as well. And when the slow drips from the roof started falling on Angelica, she remembered with fondness that river that ran down the middle of her ass cheeks, sorta reminding her of a bidet and the fun those could be. The water that was trickling on her head, this was Chinese water torture!
“I just left Granny’s and Momma’s this mornins’,” Angelica said, looking around the room and trying to find a dry place to sit. “What is all this stuff? And why does it smells like goose poo in here?”
“Oh,” Bangelica smiled happily. “Well, the Fuller Brush man stopped by and so I purchased his package so I could sell brushes, as well. Make an investment in something we all need and make a little extra money. And that jar, that holds magic beans. And the goose in her pen, she lays golden eggs and that accounts for the smell. I just ignore it because one day I will have a golden egg. Until then,” she smiled brightly, “I get breakfast,” then shrugging she added, “well, most days anyway. But,” she was all smiles again, “with Gertie the goose, I always have someone to lifeguard for me when I go swimming.”
Sighing, she motioned to the carpet in the middle of the floor that was now wet and the colors were running. “For some reason my magic carpet won’t fly…I think if I lost weight it would. My lamp won’t hold a flame,” she picked it up fondly and rubbed it, “the jinni keeps putting it out. The man who sold it to me said I needed the right cleaner for it,” she spit on it and rubbed it with her the corner of her dress. “That once it is cleaned properly, the jinni will stop blowing out the flame and I will have him to command. He’ll be back around next week with that solvent then all will be good,” she patted the lamp and set it down. “And my money tree out back,” she motioned with her head, “has not started to produce, yet. It has to over winter for a couple of years but this rain will do it a world of good.”
Angelica nodded her head, trying to understand and was sure she did not but it did not matter because she was inside and still getting rained on. What the fuck? “Sister, your house leaks. Why did you not purchase a house that was complete?”
“Oh,” Bangelica said with pride. “These are all magical sticks,” she said with awe as she waved her arms around. “I could only afford so many. Some are beat sticks. Some can levitate and witches use them to make their flying brooms,” she said with respect. “Some of them can be used to divine where treasure is hidden,” she whispered and wiggled her eyebrows. “And if you make a loom out of the right ones, you can weave a flying carpet.”
Leaning in she said with a quiet confidence, “And there are actually one or two, how I wish I had more, that can build themselves into their own house,” she smiled happily, as Angelica took a good look around and could only sadly nod her head.
“Any idea which is which?” she asked.
“No,” Bangelica smiled. “But I have time to figure it. You hungry? I have not had breakfast yet. The table is supposed to set itself and supply the food. I’ll give it a few more minutes and if nothing happens, then we’ll check the goose for an egg or two and we’ll eat,” the half-wit sister smiled happily as she sat down on a damp stool and stared at the table.
“Mmmm-mmm,” Alcide sniffed the air and let go of a very small howl. “Why now, Cher, I smell breakfast of the little Missy Pigg, type. And it seems to be coming from that house of sticks off yonder just a bit and a bit. Eggs, toast and,” he took another deep whiff, “I distinctly smell bacon,” he bit his lower lip and then chuckled uncontrollably as he approached the house, following his nose and tasting the ripe smell of Cher Pigg on the wind.
“Little pig my Cher, little pig my Cher,” he chanted, “come on now girly girl, let me in so I can tenderize your thighs up and down with my chinny-chin-chin.”
Both sisters stopped their forks that were half way to their mouths.
“Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin,” Bangelica responded as she drew down a bit on her stool so she could look through that wide chink to the outside.
“Alcide,” Angelica jumped up and ran to the door. Opening it, she threw herself into his arms, yelling “Alcide, lover, you have come for me! Are we just going to be fire-bugs? Say the word or words, please…” she sobbed.
“Woof,” was all he could say as he was hit with the full force of her little Pigg self and was knocked to the ground.
“Ah-h-h, sister no!” Bangelica screamed. “It’s the wolf! Momma warned us about the wolf. That he would be sniffing around and not buying the cow when he was getting the milk for free. Then after he ate the cow, he’d eat us. Aaa-a-a-a,” she shrieked as she danced around on her tippy-toes, wailing and crying. “No,” she screeched as she waved her arms around in the air! “No, tis the wolf!” she cried as she flapped her arms some more in fright!
“Well, what have we here,” Alcide smiled up at them and pushed up with his elbow to one side of his body. “Sisters,” he wiggled his eyebrows and licked his lips as he rubbed his crotch. “Why I do so love me some sisters! Now, I have not done sisters in a while, but Cher, you know me, the more the merrier,” he grinned as he stood up. “Get myself back in that saddle,” he made a forward thrust with his pelvis, “and we can rodeo! Whose on first?” he chuckled as he thought about the old Abbot and Costello routine. “And I know I can get you both to first, ‘round and ‘bout the same time” he grinned wickedly with all-knowing eyes. “Come on now, Angelica, come,” he winked at her, “on over here Cher and let me show your sister Cher how a wolf eats bacon,” he smiled licking his lips. “Mm-m, salty and hot and fingerin’ good!” He made a V with his pointer and middle finger and quickly tongued between them. Angelica getting wetter by the minute. Bangelica crying tears and not of joy!
“Aaa-a-a-a-!” Bangelica screamed even louder as she watched the wolf perform some sort of pole dancing routine without the pole, except for the one he obviously carried in his pants! Her eyes got big while he gyrated around and when he placed his hands on either side of his erection and pushed it at her, terror seized her and all she could do was move her feet up and down at a frantic pace!
Then, pulling the air from the bottom of her lungs she screamed, “BANG!” in the perfect imitation of the hunter’s gun and the wolf fell down.
“We have got to go,” Bangelica grabbed her sister’s arm. “My bang will only hold him for a few minutes, before his brain realizes it was not really a gun,” as she started taking the earrings out of his ears and going through his pockets. “These are really nice,” she smiled and then continued on in a rush. “As a rule, the bang it is just long enough for me to wring the duck’s neck or grab the fish and throw it up on the bank or…or…ahhhhh!” she screamed and yelled “BANG!” again, as she saw the wolf twitch, “or knock a wolf out long to take his jewelry and check his pockets for cash,” she grinned with delight when she came out with the gold watch, “and gives me enough time to run away!” Then she stood up and the adrenalin had her and she was screaming again and dancing around in a maddening circle!
“Just one more,” Angelica was yelling and crying and dancing along with her on tippy-toes, caught up in the moment of the BANG!
Now was her star-crossed lover chance! Alcide wanted her! He had been reaching for her and then…bang! His eyes were open and he was drooling but he was not moving and he had a hard-on! There was only one thing to do. She had to save his life. Because he deserved to go on, even if she was not the one!
“Sister,” she said, “I have got to do this. Alcide has explained it to me. Since he is Were, if he does not get off, he will explode and send his very fine wolf parts flying everywhere. You see his crotch, if I don’t release the pressure there, he will detonate all over your house. You don’t want wolf blood and guts on your magical things do you?”
“Ahhhh-h-h-hhhh!” was screamed again as Bangelica thought about having to clean that mess up. “Do what you must,” she was madly waving her arms around and “BANG-G-G-G-G!” she bawled loud and long, this time sounding like a machine gun. “I am leaving…he eats pigs. We are pigs. We are The Piggs!” as another scream was followed by dancing frantically on her tip-toes and running out the door! Hysterical was following in her wake and desperation clearing her path as Bangelica put the gold earrings in her own ears and continued to yowl at the top of her lungs as she broke into a full-out run!
“Perfect,” Angelica said as she started undoing his pants. “You just go ahead and head for sister’s bar,” she yelled after her. “I am right behind you!”
Sitting down on top of Alcide, she giggled. “I have this, lover! Even if we are star-crossed, and I knows we are, I would not lets you explodes and end your most handsomes life,” she sighed as she set into the steady rocking motion. “I am justs so sorry we are so goods together that we starts those burnin’ down the house fires,” she sniffled a bit and then felt the joy in her girly parts.
“Bang, bang, bang, bang,” she sang in her fine soprano and then there was a long, low, “ba-a-a-a-ng,” as she shuddered and a grunt was heard from Alcide and a smile covered his face. With a little Pigg farewell grind, which was her specialty, hopping up, she twirled in the air and landed on the tippy toes of her brand new sparkle red catch me if you can tenny runners and headed out the door as fast as her Pigg legs would carry her with her kinky tale bouncing along behind her!
That BANG! was a powerful thing. Alcide’s brain thought for sure he had been shot. The Big Bad for now could only raise his head so his eyes could see the red sparkle darting away in the rain. There was a cold breeze blowing on his wolf nether regions and there was the very pleasant feeling that a load of manhood was missing and there was the very distinct smell of bacon.
“Bang,” he smirked. “Gotta get me some more of that! Now,” he slowly sat up and righted himself and tucked his penis back into his pants, “if I was a little Miss Pigg, just where o’ where would I head? Why, maybe to sister’s bar, Cher! Maybe to The Brick House. I hear the new owner, why Cher, I hear that she is the Miss Pigg and she is a brick house! Bang!”
“Not one more word, Eric,” Sookie eyed him. “Do not…” she began when he picked up her hand and turning it over, he licked if from her inner elbow all the way down her to her middle finger, where he kissed the tip of it and then smiled most charmingly.
“Why Cher,” he winked at her, “I hear Little Miss Brick House is so fine, that she had not ever opened her legs for anyone. And never been kissed. And not once has she felt a…”
“Eric!” Sookie pinched him.
“Oh, we gots us a virgin,” La La chuckled.
“A virgin that has never been kissed,” Pam laughed gleefully…or maybe that was a cackle! “Who wants odds that the Big Bad Alcide does not get in her pants or even a feel of her breasts? And certainly no tongue action, anywhere!”
“I’m ready,” Samuel said opening his notebook and taking out a number two pencil. “Go, I’m recording it all. Eric, you big stud, I am starting with you. How much and how far? Place your bet!”