Chapters 7 & 8
This is not a new story. It is one I wrote several years ago for Halloween. So I thought I would drag it back out and re-post it here. You can find it in fan fiction, I believe. I do not think it has been pulled, there. It is also on my fiction pad account. It is attached to the end of Preemptive Strike and I believe it also stands alone with its own banner.
By Halloween, I should have all of the chapters up here.
This follows on to Preemptive Strike. It is Halloween after the Northman twins are born and Hunter is a most excellent big brother.
And Bill Compton comes slithering up out of Hell into a round fae portal. Oh joy! Let the games, begin! (You know, sometimes I just need to whack on Compton…)
As always, thanks for reading!
Chapter 7 My fine Southern Ease
The tortured spirit that was Bill Compton was curled up under the throne of Satan. She had given him permission to pull his meal under her seat so that he would not be set upon by any of the lessers before he had regained any strength.
In his early years as vampire, he had learned how to quickly drain the body. There was no finesse or really joy to be had in such of way of having your luscious meal. A fast slurp and burp left you with something akin to brain freeze. Sadly, he had followed in the path of his maker. She was all about the frenzied rut and gore. After being vampire for several decades, once he had shed himself of her, he had developed his own personal style. His momma had raised him to be a fine Southern gentleman; there was no reason that he should not embrace that style of living as vampire. At his core, landed-gentry was who he was. Manners, decorum, a certain way of doing things that spoke of breeding and money…the perversion that Lorena wanted him to be was something he could not abide. He was blessed with fine Southern Ease.
“I wish I had more time,” he said to the almost empty husk that did not have the strength to any longer fight him off. “You have been most delightful. I admire you for this gift of life that you have given me.” Tenderly he pushed the hair from her face as he smiled so graciously at her. “I am most grateful,” he kissed her lightly on the lips, then the forehead.
“I know this is our first encounter, I do so hope that it is not our last,” he smiled at her. “And perhaps I have taken liberties that I should not have. Please know, I am a gentleman and not this monster. I want you to know how grateful I am. Another time and place and I would enjoy being your escort. I would have been proud to be seen with you on my arm, defending your honor.
But I have some unfinished business of matters of the heart. Sadly, I have been away from home for some time and these yearnings in me must be addressed.
May I, perhaps,” he kissed along her jaw line, “call on you, again?”
“You are just fucking crazy,” the voice sobbed as he pulled her wrist to his mouth and bit down.
“I know,” Bill reassured her, as he licked his lips, not wanting any of her energy to escape. Her eyes screamed every obscene word she knew at him that she no longer had the strength to vocalize. “I am sorry it must be like this,” he stroked her face. “But I must be able to open the door to the portal.” What life there was in her eyes became less until there was only a shriveled, depleted skin that made a puddle on the floor and two lifeless eyes that stared back at him.
“I am going to survive this,” he pulled down the eyelids so that hideousness could not accuse him. “Yes I am,” he allowed himself to relax and feel her fury fill him as he made her energy his own. “I will get past this ugliness and you now reside inside of me so my victory shall be yours as well. And no matter how morally repulsive this is,” he whispered to her, “it is essential to my Sookie’s well being.
My Sookie,” he sobbed, “I fear for her. And I must be away to her side. She misses my fine Southern Ease.”
Silwoth was having a very fine evening. The merry-go-round was something that all treasured, just as his Queen had assured him that it would be. He had met many very fine grandmothers. Many who were without a man! If Hugh, who was only a lawyer, could find himself a magnificent mate, why, there was no reason he could not as well. After all, he was a sculptor of wood, a master who could capture the moment in his carvings! He scoffed at the one-dimensional painters. Pbblltttt! Why, to apprentice to his teacher old Placer, you had to be able to paint life-like as a knee-high child.
The ride would be left in the town-square and he would be there daily to enjoy the fine company that was so delightful. Small ones and their blessed grandmother would be in attendance. His brothers were counting on him. He was to establish himself and bring honor to the family name. They all wanted a woman who could bake pies and cherish their family. Bon Temps, why, they had found The Light in Grandmother form! Why, that was the epitome of good times!
Eric was walking with Liam as they surveyed the road that The Realm had laid. “The road to hell is paved with the gold bricks of good intentions,” his Sookie said. So be it. Billy Boy’s road to hell was literally paved with the gold bricks of the bad intentions of the fae.
“Follow the gold brick road,” he chuckled to the captain of his guards.
“Yes my King,” Liam was most pleased. “Like the whorls in the Purple Swap’s snails’ shell. This Compton will start at the center where Em has left a special treat for him and will tread his path of destruction as our road winds outward for our pleasure and his misfortune. All has become clear to me since watching The Wizard of Oz. The road shall lead him to you, my King. And that you shall be there waiting for him as the gatekeeper to the wonderful land of You Are So Fucked William Compton.”
“That is the plan,” Eric grinned. “Why,” the king of the fae and bull-shitters could see the center of their gold brick road start to shimmer, “I do believe that Billy-Boy is right on time. Time to get this party started.”
“The entire realm thanks you my King for giving us all these bragging rights. At times, it still feels like a dream,” he added in a hushed whisper. “But then,” the smile stretched across his face, “Em’s shit is really foul smelling.”
“Yes, you can not imagine that,” Eric nodded. “I’ve been in some ripe sewers and death smell catacombs, but nothing,” he stressed, “has ever smelled like that.”
“That must be the reason dragons don’t shit,” Liam said, his words full of wisdom. “Would destroy all life in both realms as we know it.”
Peering upwards, Bill could see the round portal that was going to take him from Hell into the world of men, once more. He was William T. Compton and worthy of such a prize as another chance. “This time, my Sookie, I am getting this right. You will be my sweet innocent, once more and will find much delight in my fine Southern Ease.”
His heart was merry and bright. He was not at full strength, but his body parts had grown back. There were some parts of him his sweet Sookie liked better than others. Is she was lucky, why he would let her taste his manhood in her mouth once more before she offered herself to the pit.
After all, Hell was good enough for the likes of her. That she would even consider Northman over him, why….he bit back that thought! No, Eric had worked some sort of Nordic god-like magic over her! It was not her fault that she thought she enjoyed that big blond bastard’s company. Why, perhaps, at one time, he would have even considered Eric if he would have asked him nicely.
That first time Eric walked in…when he was with Lorena and they were having their way with that prostitute. The blood lust that was on him and that tall, broad shouldered, old, soft-spoken vampire walked in and took his maker in hand. Eric did not even have to raise his voice. Viking, well hell yes! It was the first time he had seen Lorena back down for anyone and he would be lying if he had not been intrigued by Eric…and maybe awed…and envious…and maybe just a little bit in lust and wanting to know what it was like to be at the mercy of those big hands! Would Eric have been gentle with him or brutal? There was now no way of knowing.
Those days were long past and Eric had drawn in Sookie’s sweet innocence and used it against her, as only a cur of his magnitude was capable of doing.
Good, he could see the light above him. He was almost there. Well, there was much here to be admired. The portal was a perfect ring; so intricate, so exact…so…as he began the last stage of his journey, something became most horrifically, wrong! What was that smell?
“No, no, no, no, no, no!” he was screeching as he felt himself being constricted to fit though the opening. “No,” he yelled and as he did, his head popped up and into his open mouth slipped foulness at it finest.
Gagging and then retching, he placed his hands on either side of the hole and pulled himself up. Literally, he was covered in shit most foul. Shit of a different color. Standing upright, he slipped. Well, someone had shit and he had literally fallen backwards in it.
As he lay there, seething, he could hear the chimes of a clock striking down the hour. Well just shit! He was running shit-out-of-time! Time to get this shit on the road and make shit happen before he ended back up on Satan’s shit list.
Standing, William T. Compton had a defining moment. Wa-a-a-a-ait one….!
“Oh fucking shit,” he kicked at the ground and his foot went through the pile of shit and he slipped and fell back into the steamy pile, again. “Has shit now become a permanent part of my speech pattern? Oh shit,” he balled up his fists and shook them at the universe as he lay there on the ground, in a pile of shit that was not of his own making.
“I wish I had that shithead Eric here, with me now,” Bill seethed. “Why I would….”
“Well, Bill, here I am. What are your other two wishes?” Eric grinned and then took a step backwards. And then one more. “You are ripe and are causing my eyes to water. I would love to help you out,” he chuckled, “just which way did you come in?”
Bill glared at him. “Over done comedy stick? I am back from the true death, Eric. You of all people should know that. Perhaps I come as a prophet to warn you and this is the best you can do…over done late night…” he hissed.
“Sorry,” Eric smiled and fanned in front of his face. “As you can see…ahhh, smell, I am fresh out of shit.”
“Save me the shit-eating-grin, Eric, that is cheesy, even for you.”
“Oh King Bill,” Eric bowed his head. “The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on my shit list.”
“Talk is cheap, Eric,” Bill replied, his eyes glinting. “Getting cheaper and more foul by the minute.”
“Well yes to the foul, Bill. Your breath is causing my eyes to water. And also yes to the cheap talk, until you hire a lawyer,” Eric winked at him, “then you are just shit out of luck. Because they are going to own your shit.”
Bill snarled at Eric and picking himself up, he righted himself and then thought better about straightening out his clothes. He would just get more shit on his hands. He knew there was shit on his lips. That might not be such a bad thing. His lips were badly chapped. With shit on them, it would keep him from licking them and maybe they would finally heal. They would need to be kissably soft for his Sookie.
“I want to see Sookie,” Bill said as he stared into Eric’s eyes. “I do not care what you say. I was her first, it is my right. She would want to see me.”
Eric let his eyes drift over Bill. “You are right of course,” the words came lazily out of Eric’s mouth. “Perhaps I am willing to admit that she does want to see you. But presently, she is putting her children to bed and will not leave them, not even for you, Bill.”
Bill watched as Eric hesitated before he spoke the words, “Nor would she for me.”
“Children,” his deep, Southern manner was back. “Why, Sookie has babies,” he smiled. “So…Eric….” Compton drawled, pleased beyond measure, “is that why you stalk my Sookie’s woods? Because she has been bedded by a breather? Married and bedded by a breather? Why Eric,” Bill laughed, “has your invitation been revoked? Are you no longer welcome in her home, her bed, and her,” Bill winked at him, “fae portal? Tell me, was it the Were or perhaps the Shifter that she preferred over you? Or is it someone that I have not had the pleasure of meeting?”
“It is the King of the Fae,” Eric replied, nothing there to read on his face.
Bill took a step back. “Are you shitting me, Eric?”
“No to the shitting,” Eric shook his head, “remember…” he pointed to himself, “vampire.”
Rolling his eyes Bill continued. “And,” he stopped and contemplated the sublime, “the children are fae?”
The smile covered Eric’s face. “Oh yes, without a doubt. Fae. They are beautiful, like their mother.”
“So,” he gave Northman his most sincere smile, “they live in the old farmhouse?”
“Well,” Eric shrugged, “yes, it is the old farmhouse….and then some…he is, after all, King of the Fae. You see this road that we are standing on. It leads to their house. I find that if I walk this road, I can hear her voice, perhaps catch a glimpse of her face if I concentrate hard enough. And if I stay during the night, I can hear her screaming in passion and I know in my heart that it is my name that she is secretly screaming.”
“Eric,” Bill sadly shook his head. “Poor, poor, sad, delusional, stalker, Eric. Sometimes ugly and plain wins out. Not all women want a Nordic god that cannot give her children. Some just want to be with their own kind that can fill their bellies with a baby. You do remember that from your human days, don’t you? I know how my sweet wife enjoyed bearing my children,” Bill added just to see if he could get some type of reaction. H-m-m-m, nothing. No reaction from Northman at all. Well of course, not. He was a coldhearted bastard. Undoubtedly spread his seed around wherever his Viking ass went and left the woman to face the challenges of rearing the child on her own.
“Maybe it is true that I stalk her, but you certainly do not have a snowball’s chance in Hell of getting in to see her. The way you look and smell,” Eric gave him a great big wink and blew him a kiss.
“I clean up nicely,” was all Bill said with a sincere smile. “Follow the road, I believe you said.”
With a growl, Eric was gone.
Something was going to have to be done about the smell. Looking around, farther down the road, there was a hay field. It had been left on the land for the cattle to graze off during the winter. That would do for starters. As he walked, he admired the Louisiana night that now surrounded him. It was good to be home. Once he had his way with Sookie and regained all of his strength, he was stopping by his mansion and once more he was going to live in his family’s quarters. Climbing over the fence, he stripped down, pulled the hay stalks out of the ground and Bill used them to wipe himself off. Eyeing the scarecrow out in the field, he was going to help himself to those clothes.
As he approached the straw man, he could not help but wonder. “That is a perfectly fine Izod shit and a pair of nice overalls. And that baseball hat,” he rolled his eyes, as he picked it off the scarecrow’s head and admired it. “Why, it is not even field worn. No sweat stains on it at all.” There was a bandana tied around the scarecrow’s neck. “I’ll do one final swipe with that, get dressed and then go ‘a’callin’.”
Once dressed, he felt and smelt much better. “There is much to be said for the clean smells of being on the farm,” he smiled. “The open hay fields, a little cattle manure…hey, I did not say shit!” he gloated. “Must be Northman and his foulness that influences me in such a way. Now, back on the road to my sweet, sweet Sookie.
Well, Eric was right,” he paused and listened. “I can hear Sookie’s voice. This could be most useful. If I can determine exactly where she is…but…King of the Fae…hm-m-m, I am going to need a plan.”
There was a little dog that came trotting down the path and he was barking, turning his head and barking as if he was speaking to someone. Most curious.
“My little mans,” he heard the voice as his eyes pierced the moon lit night. “What’s that’s yous is sayin’? You founds the sources of that gawd-awfuls smells….”
Well, Bill smiled, looked like Plan A just walked up. “Hello Lafayette,” Bill’s eyes took in the male who always looked like he was going to march in a gay parade. Pigtails and a blue frock and ruby slippers and a little dog. What a cliché. Bill felt like rolling his eyes. Just where was his sign demanding equal rights?
“Well hellllooooos Billy’s Boy Compton,” Lafayette stopped and then tilting his head to one side, arched both eyebrows at him and fanned in front of his face. “I knows that this evenin’s is sacred to the deads and that my fine self would be in demands, I just did not knows which deads was gonna be here visitin’s tonight. Yous is smellin’ hellish.”
“Not hellish,” Bill smiled charmingly seeing his opportunity. “I stepped in something and then slipped.
You are the Medium,” he stressed, “I am just dead and tonight I wish to speak to the living. Visit for a spell and tell Sookie about the wonders of Heaven. I know you can help me out with this. That is your job,” he stressed.
“After whats you dids, betrayin’s Miss Sooks like that, and yous made it into Heaven…?” Lafayette had placed one hand on his hip. “I knows Jesus is all that’s…”
Bill bowed his head and put his Southern Gentleman Caller in place. “Yes, it really is all about forgiveness,” he added solemnly. “And I am,” he said in his most sincere voice, “here to ask Sookie to forgive me.
Do you, perhaps, see her from time to time…?”
“She’s marrieds now,” Lafayette said with a sure shake of his head. “Got babies. Gots a sons from a previous marriages. But she loves that little boy…mmm-h-m-m-m-m. And twins, boy and girl.”
“I saw Northman,” Bill added softly, wondering if his glamour still worked.
“Yes,” Lafayette shuddered. “His big-assed Viking blond, studly-selfs still haunts these parts. Does not do to calls him a stalker…he gets all kinds of bad-boy fangs down fucked-up! But he cannots defeats the King of the Fae and suches.”
Oh good, Lafayette was willing to talk. No glamour required. “King of the Fae,” Bill’s voice was somber. “That is what Eric said.”
“He spoke truths,” Lafayette replied, his voice hushed. “The King of the Fae, his fae-self changed Miss Sooks world, he did. Nothin’s Mr. Tall, Blond and Tightest of Asses can do ‘bouts that’s. But some nights, out in the woods, I hears Mr. North Man’s screamin’s her name while he finds release, if’s you knows what I means,” Lafayette arched both eyebrows and then made the jerking-off pumping motion with his hand. “Owww-wwweeee, we is talkin’ some nastie of the nasties shreakin’s goin’s on out here. The bad bad thangs he wants to do to hers…mmmhmm. La La says such thangs should just be kept to yous selves.”
Bill was not going to chuckle. Lafayette probably had no idea just what bad things could be done to a female. Bill was going to do one or two of those things, tonight. When Sookie was all limp with pleasure, that was when he was tossing her down into the pit.
“My little mans,” Lafayette looked down at the little dog that had just lifted his leg and let go on Bill’s borrowed tattered overall’s leg.
Seeing the shocked looked on Lafayette’s face, looking down Bill was just in time to see the little dog turn around and also drop a load on his bare foot.
“Deep and regretful sorrows ‘bouts that, Mr. Bill,” Lafayette shook his head. “But he loves goin’ on that scarecrow. That’s why we is out heres.”
“Not a problem,” Bill said through gritted teeth.
“His La La finenesses says we gots to gets goin’s.”
Bill thought, “And the little punt-able size dog comes running. Good thing.”
“I can hear,” Lafayette addressed the dog, “by the chatters in my ears that folks are complain’s and callin’s us names like glory-hogs and shutter-flies and all such ugliness. Says we needs to get our fine asses on out of here. Well,” La La rolled his eyes, “I never,” he snapped his finger and shook all over. With a leap, the little dog was in his arms and then draped around his shoulders.
“Lafayette…” Bill took a step forward and then his focus went to the dog. He wanted to splatter his guts all over the road but then no one would believe he was from Heaven. And tonight he was going to have to show his heavenly bona fides.
“There is, Mr. Compton, for ghosts, spooks and those back from the grave,” he wiggled his index finger back and forth at Bill, “no places and suches as the goodnesses as homes sweet homes, so says the La La and so it bes.”
Then it was a Mr. DeMille moment. That fineness that was La La turned and struck a pose.
“Poor scarecrows….” the little dog said looking straight at the camera. “He has done and cleaned himselves off. Shoulds have lefts a littles shits on him causes now he does not even has shits for brains…” and with a click of Lafayette’s ruby slippers they were gone.
“About fucking time,” Pamela seethed. “Just what the fuck was that? Who told La La he could script his own? The rest of us would like a turn. You put those two bonded, tequila drinking, cigarillo smoking, is this my best side Mr. DeMille in front of a camera and I swear,” she fussed with her Glenda the Good Witch crown, “between Lafayette and OI, you’ve got enough ham to feed The Realm. Really Eric,” she put a bit of a sob into her voice. “The Realm is slowing down time a bit, right?” Sniffling, she dabbed at her eyes. “I am all dressed up and I want my turn at Busted Balls Billy as well.”
“Not to worry my child,” he kissed her on the forehead. “Liam assures me that there will be sufficient time for everyone to speak their piece.”
“And OI is just insufferable. He is Toto for crying out loud. A dog. He is not supposed to be able to speak English. Woof and woof and bark and bark. Maybe a little whining like he needs to be let out. Those were supposed to be his lines. We had that discussion after we all watched the movie.
That shit for brains was suppose to be my line,” she pouted.
“Yes child,” he kissed her again. “Not to worry, I am sure you will be able to work that in.”
“But OI said it first,” her lower lip was trembling.
“Well, yes, but only the once. You can say it as many times as you like.”
There was no stopping her tears, “He got to piss and shit on Compton. How is that even fair? And I have to wear peach…” her voice trailed off in a sob.
“Sh-h-h-h, child,” he held her. “Take the rest of the month off. Shh-h-h-h,” he stroked her hair. “Sh-h-h-h, Daddy has this. And you know better than to bet against me,” lifting her face he kissed her nose. “Be glad that Glenda did not wear peach and polka-dots.”
“Polka-dots,” she buried her face in Eric’s chest and wailed.
“Sh-h-h-h,” he stroked her hair.
“I knew better,” she wept, “it was just that I would be pregnant…what were the odds…?” and her voice trailed off as she shrugged her shoulders. With a great big gulp of air Pam lifted her tear-streaked face to Eric’s. “Odds on a vampire getting pregnant. Well, it was a sure thing that it was not going to happen…” Pam’s tears would not stop.
Eric held her close once more. “Go on now, fix your makeup, then after your fun with Compton, you take Wallace and go. We’ll see you back at the end of the month.”
Still sobbing, Eric turned her over to Wallace who wrapped her in his arms and then kissing her nose, they walked over to the make-up tent.
“Are you in co-hoots with my father?” Wallace asked her once they were out of Eric’s hearing range.
“My father-in-law is just the best. I carry his grandchildren. He wants what I want. And I want thirty days off with my husband in attendance so that he may be of service to me when I so desire him to be my cabana boy.
Who loves you baby?” she wiggled her eyebrows at him.
Without a doubt, he knew the answer to that. So maybe his bride had been pregnant when they approached her maker, her father and his king about her newly acquired gestating status. Maybe her maker, her father and his king had shaken his head at her and then fixed that piercing gaze on him and said, “I hope you have enough money to keep her in shoes, because she is yours, now.” Maybe her maker, her father and his king had held a little impromptu wedding right there in his office. The Lord Authority still had his apron on and his father, OI, the king of the dragons was licking frosting off his lips when that call, more like a bellow, had gone out. And his mother had popped in with her bar catalog in her hands and just had enough time to remove her bar apron before the ceremony commenced.
He was just glad that his Mother was not wearing her sensible shoes. Woof….he would not have ever heard the end of that. Not that she owned a pair.
Yes, who loves you baby? Without a doubt, his Mrs., did. She would pinch his ass from time to time when he got so carried away with the idea of a family that she needed him to slow down a bit. He knew about her past. The father and mother who had offered her up to excuse their gaming debt. And then continued to do so.
He had been talking to Godric. It appeared that his wife’s mother still wandered the streets of New Orleans. He would be paying her a visit one of these fine days. What they had done to his beloved made him insane with rage…!
On a much pleasanter thought, his Pamela, why she was pleased to be his, despite his enthusiasm and that indifference she hid behind from time to time.
Who would have thought it? Bon Temps, Louisiana…good times.
Chapter 8 “If plan A does not work, there are 25 more letters.”
“I have a plan to make this work. If plan A does not work, there are 25 more letters to make this happen. I am smart, I am educated, I am experienced. I am William T. Compton, Vampire King of Louisiana and chosen of Satan.” Bill kept repeating these good and true words to himself as he walked down the road, admiring how the moonlight reflected off the pavers. It looked like a river of moonbeams were laid at his feet. As well they should be! He was the Ascending Supreme Spirit! This was a sign of his willingness and the world’s acceptance for him to correct the many wrongs that plagued this place and time. Starting with Northman! He felt strong and good in his soul. And less smelly.
“I can make this happen. Sookie is married to the King of the Fae. As a king, he is busy. I know that as king that I never had a minute to myself.
I will just roll with whatever comes my way. I will make the most of every opportunity. I have a plan and if plan A does not work, there are 25 more letters.
Now, look at the many things I have learned from just walking down this lovely road. I know a lot of improvements have happened the year that I was gone. Good improvements. The King, he is very busy. Why, he will be here, there, opening a portal and going everywhere. That must be why they built this very nice road. To make his comings and goings easier. I know that is what I would do. When I had the driveway paved in front of my mansion, well, that cut back on my willingness to just leave my BWM in the garage and drive Sookie’s death trap. If you have a nice road, you do not mind being out driving and looking over your kingdom.
So I know in my heart of hearts, Sookie will be sad and alone. This king, he is too busy and has saddled her with three small children so he can be out doing fae things. From what I saw when I visited in Fae, he probably has scantly clad paramours there to keep him blissful and that fae sexual desire satisfied.
With three babies, my Sookie will be too tired to always be spreading her legs for him. I know my wife, once she delivered my oldest, why, every time I tried lifting her skirts, she would complain of the headache, or backache, or she had not slept because the baby was up all night crying. Why the only gentlemanly thing to do was to retire to the barn and take care of myself when I could not get Cook to stand still for me. Come to think of it, I do not believe that I had ever found my release in Cook. She was always stirring something on the stove when there was something stirring in my britches.
But my Sookie will be so delighted to see me. The babies will be sleeping and she will be lonely and I am her sweet, sweet William, just back from Heaven to sit with her and hold her hand and listen to her tales of woe and regret. Married to a man that she did not know and forced to bear his children. I will listen with a kind and sympathetic heart for which I am known.”
“Momma,” Hunter smiled at her from their great big bed as she closed the book. He was tucked in with his brother and sister in his momma’s and daddy’s bed with Andy and Lion snuggled on one side of him. There was a nice big fire in the fireplace and the stained glass sparkled and glowed in the windows! Hunter liked the new bedrooms! They all had the pretty glass in the windows! When the sun came in through them, it looked like angels arriving!
“Is it time yet? Before we go to sleep, is it time to shake the candy canes?”
Sookie smiled at her three darlings! Well, nothing was going to happen here that a wet washrag would not take care of. “It is time,” she smiled, as she flourished several of the red and white striped peppermint snowmaking sticks. Passing them out to her children, she gave the basket to ZZ and he passed them out to the dragons and tinkerbells that were in attendance.
The babies kept sticking their candy canes in their mouths and squealing with delight! Hunter would lick his from time to time as everyone in the room would shake theirs and giggle and sing the snowman soup song with him.
Sookie thought her heart was going to burst! Those years of loneliness and doubt…seeing the love shining out of her children’s eyes, it was if that time had not existed. And if that was what it had taken to get her to this time and place…she would do it over again, every fucked-up minute of her life. Because she was more than what anyone had ever thought she was capable of being…except for Eric, of course. Evan had lurked inside of him and her husband had known all along that she was a survivor….and strong….and smart…and funny; ‘cause what they were going to do to Bill was going to be one for the books!
Hunter’s song was finished and now there were blue sparkles falling from the ceiling. The babies had their feet and hands going and those candy canes going and the sparkles all wind-milled to snowflakes. Great big blue ones.
“One more lick,” she smiled as the babies tried to gum theirs to death. “Now, Momma says it is Sand Man time, so let’s get cleaned up and tucked in,” she whispered as she kissed tiny little noses and wiped mouths and hands and collected what was left of the candy canes. “And off to Sleep Land.” All three of her babies yawned and then settled in, smelling of pepperminty goodness and rich with baby smiles.
“Here comes Daddy,” she kissed them again on the forehead as Eric walked in. “He will give you kisses and then your La La and Uncle Jesus will be here with you until Momma and Daddy comes back. We won’t be gone long.
Oh good, here are your Uncles now,” as both babies giggled and Hunter clapped his hands and laughed when the two men walked into the room.
“M-m-m-h-m-m,” Sookie arched her eyebrow at Lafayette. “Those candy canes that you have there in your reading basket, our La La, those had better not be for our babies.”
“What candy canes, his La La finesseness says! Why all I gots is these here snow makin’s machines and some mighty fine readin’ thangs!”
There were hopeful eyes staring back at her from all over the room. All those present knew that this late at night, the fae queen would let you have a lick or two or three of the blessed candy cane, but his La La fineness would be right there with you enjoying that swirled red and white bit of heaven and reading stories! Why sticking out of his basket looked like enough for seconds for everyone in The Realm! And books! Why La La and Jesus would read and act out stories until the King and Queen returned!
“Momma, it snowed in the movie,” Hunter was very serious. “You think we shook them enough to make that much snow?”
“H-m-m-m-m-m,” she said, thoughtfully. “Yes, my son, that was a lot of snow in the movie. And our babies are just like their Daddy who does so love his snow. Yes to the shakin’ then. I think you three are sweet enough so maybe no to the lickin’.”
Little sad eyes from all over the room looked back at her. Dragon tears had started to form. OI was so good at this, he already had big purple teary streaks down the front of his face.
So much loved looked back at her. How could she say no? La La would rule the night!
“Hows ‘bouts another story or twos or threes, Momma Sookie?” Lafayette asked while he batted his eye-lashes. “I gots Hungry for Spider-Web Soup in my readin’s basket of goodness along with a few other treasures.”
Hunter started to laugh. “My La-La and I, we tried to make spider web soup so we could have it tonight before our trick or treating!”
Sookie shook her head and just accepted the fact that bed time stories and peppermint goodness were going to rule the night. “All right my darlings,” she conceded. “Candy cane with your La La and Uncle Jesus, stories, then sleepy time,” she said as she tweaked noses.
“Momma,” Hunter giggled, “before you leave, will you make that witch laugh?” he asked.
“You know I will my Sweet Baby,” she grinned as she picked up her broom and making room for Eric, they were up in the air. “Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” she cackled as they rode around in the room. Then blowing everyone a kiss, OI opened the door and they were out into the night.
It certainly was a nice night to be out and about. This road made for easy walking. Bill’s curiosity had finally bitten him. Stopping, he kneeled down in the middle of the road. “Just what is this made of?” he wondered out loud to himself.
“It’s gold,” came a voice that was over to the right of him in the field.
“Gold?” he echoed back.
“Yes,” came the reply. “Gold. The fae dragons shit gold. So they make everything with it. Since it is dragon gold it is the most durable so they pave their roads with it. Plus the new king is a real ass-hole and likes to show off his wealth.”
“Who is out there?” Bill asked, his eyes looking around.
“Tis I,” out hopped a frog, “King Evan, the rightful heir to the fae throne.”
Bill stood up and carefully scrutinized what was before him. “Now that is something you do not see everyday, a frog with a crown.”
“And most often,” the frog countered, “I do not meet those who smell of dragon shit. You need a bath.”
“When I was human,” Bill smiled down at the rather large, green fellow, “our cook would fry up frog legs.”
“And when I was king of the fae,” the frog countered, “I would feed human ass-holes to my frogs.”
“Touché,” Bill bowed his head. An enchanted being! From Fae! Eyeing the frog, this just might work. Here was someone with information. Even if he was lying about being a king of the fae, he could have useful information. It just might be time to layer on the famous Compton Southern Charm.
“How is it that you ended up as frog?” he asked.
“The dick that will never be king has a powerful witch that cursed me. I have to find myself a true royal of the realm and have them kiss me. Only then will I turn back to my handsome and highly skilled warrior self.”
“Well,” Bill considered the worth of the crown the fellow was wearing. That was a very nice thing he had sitting on top of his head. Not just something out of a package of Cracker Jacks. “I would think that would be doable. You are not so ugly that women would run away from you screaming.”
“Oh, well thank you,” the frog smiled. “But it does not have to be a she, any true royal will do.” Bowing, the frog took a toadie’s voice and said. “Just let it be known throughout this land that I can be very grateful if you know of someone of royal descent.” The frog king took another sniff, choked, coughed and then shifted back about another foot.
“Just how is it that you have come to smell of dragon shit? You had to piss off someone in the tip-top of the fae hierarchy to rate that. You, ahhhh, have a little run on with his royal badness?”
Now that was interesting. This little fellow thought maybe he knew the new king. Best to just side step this question and let the frog think what he might. Bill’s focus was now on the frog. Plan B. He could roll with it! “When you say royal, is there any particular line of royal from which you must be kissed, or will any royal line do?”
“Well,” the frog hesitated, “I do not know? Why? Do you know a royal?”
“I am King William T. Compton of Louisiana.”
“Really?” The frog hopped a bit closer. “A true king? Were you crowned and recognized as such?”
“Yes,” Bill smiled.
“Look,” the frog came closer. “You change me back to my true form and I will kill anyone you want me to after I dispose of this royal imposter. I am a fierce warrior. My sword is over there in the field. But it is all rusted to shit. I came here after him and his witch found me first. Once I am back to fae, I am going to need an oil can and a whet stone to get everything returned to good order.”
“This witch…” Bill was hesitant. He had encountered witches before and they were on his to be avoided list. That was just a solid plan. “Just how dangerous….”
“Do not look at her,” the frog said with heat. “Just think Medusa. This witch, she is a bitch on a stick. And I mean that, she rides that broom between her legs like it is a giant phallus. She screams like she is having an endless orgasm. That,” the frog sighed, “that is when she draws you in. You think, oh good times, maybe I’ll get off while I am watching her get off. You know, witch porn.”
“Witch porn?” Bill echoed.
The frog’s smile got bigger. “Ribbbbbbb-iiittttttt!” the frog chuckled. “Witch porn is something to be treasured,” he sighed. “But I digress.
So there I was, listening to her and I am working these fantasies and trying to catch a glimpse of anything she might have showing and I’ve got my dick out of my pants and stroking and… and then she whammies you.” The frog shivered all over. “And there you are with your dick in your…your…” there was disbelief in his voice. “…and…and you are stroking something that is green, small and you are wondering what the fuck just happened.”
“Got that,” Bill was nodding his head. “If you look you get whammed.” Then Bill stopped and snickered, thinking that he had just been played. He would just let the frog know that he was not ignorant. “Frogs do not have a penis.”
“Seriously,” the frog rolled his eyes as he lifted his leg.
“Oh,” Bill stepped closer and then took another step closer as he leaned in to get a better look.
“Hey, back it up, pervert,” the frog growled at him. “I told you, once upon a time I was the ruling fae king. So this frog comes with a penis.”
“So,” Bill stood up straight, “you…you…you…”
“You what?” came the disgusted tone. “You did not believe me? I am a fucking King of the Fae Realm. Whammied by a bitch on a stick. I can not lie. This just sucks. No fucking body believes me here. I need to get back to my fae form so I can get back to my kingdom.
This realm sucks the big one. There is a little dog that comes out here every night and chases me through the fields. I’m going to take his little ass back to fae and give him to my pet dragon. Yes, game on little dog. We’ll see then who is getting chased. My little dragon, he will hump anything. I see small, yippee dog in his future.”
Bill was just a bit thunderstruck. Okay, this guy was the real deal. Time for Plan C. “Have you been out here when the new king and queen….” and Bill let his voice trail off.
“Speaking of humping…” the frog chuckled.
“Does,” Bill hesitated, “does she enjoy it?”
“Fuck yes,” the frog drew back. “One thing I can say for this soon to be dead joker is that he knows how to please the ladies. He has not done a threesome with his bride, yet, but I bet that is in his future.”
“Threesome?” Bill choked out.
The frog wiggled his eyebrows. “The faux king, he does that witch out here, as well. In fae, getting laid in the woods, that is all kinds of good luck. This bastard, he knows how to get lucky.”
Bill was starting to feel a might bit anxious. Sookie liked it with this pretend king? It was bad enough when she made screaming sounds with Eric. But married sex? She liked married sex? No woman liked married sex. And…and…his sweet, innocent, Sookie in a three way? “Three…you mean Sookie and him and the witch?”
“I do not mean me, the little dog and his owner. Of course that is what I mean.“
“You, ahhh, you know how to remove the smell of dragon shit?” Bill asked hopefully.
“Well, yes. You need snow,” the frog replied. “Make it snow, strip yourself down and rub all over in it. Snow kills the smell.”
“Snow…” Bill was mystified. “But we are in Louisiana. It is October. And I cannot make it snow. No one can.”
“I thought you were a king?” the frog eyed him and you could hear the this fucker is a liar in his voice.
“No royal in this world can make it snow,” Bill replied, pushing as much truth as he could out into the universe.
“Oh,” the frog considered the wrongness of that. “Just another fucking reason this place sucks the big one, and apparently, it sucks at sucking.” Out darted his frog tongue and his dinner was then popped into his mouth. With a satisfying crunching sound, the frog continued to eye the insects that were swirling around him.
“Do you know how to do this?” Bill asked, hoping against hope. He could not sweep Sookie off her feet and into the pit smelling like dragon shit.
“Well, of course,” the frog rolled his eyes and pointed to himself, “king!”
“If I kiss you,” you could hear the earnestness in Bill’s voice. “Will you make it snow?”
The frog thought about that for a moment. “You don’t want to do that. The bitch on a stick…she has a nasty sense of humor. If all I needed was a royal kiss, this would not be a problem. But she laid out some perimeters.”
“Such as?” Bill asked.
“As in kiss my royal ass,” the frog shook his head. “Just what the fuck? I do not even have a chance of getting changed back. Bitch on a stick!” he hissed.
“But…but in the stories…” you could hear the pleading in Bill’s voice.
“Stories,” the king snickered. “Try dealing with a bitch…on…a…stick,” the frog said. “I have princesses from all over the realm lined up who are willing to suck my tongue out of my mouth….whether I be fae or frog…but not one of them is willing to kiss my ass. And then, apparently, in this realm, there is a real shortage of royals, but not ass kissers. And some delight in it. You can see my problem.”
Oh-h-h-h-h, yes. Bill knew all about ass kissers. He had maybe kissed The Authorities ass once or twice. Maybe literally. He had certainly kissed Satan’s. It was time to work plan D. “I would kiss your ass,” Bill said. “I can not guarantee that you will switch back but I am willing to give it a go if you are.”
The frog eyed him and ate another bug. “I am grateful. And even if I do not switch back, gladly will I make it snow for you.”
“So, I do what?” Bill asked. “Pick you up and…” and bending down he cupped both hands together and the frog hopped in.
“Here, let me turn around,” the frog said as he positioned himself with his ass facing Compton. “No tongue,” the frog said. “And keep your finger out of my ass, as well.”
“I would never,” Bill huffed.
“Like I have not heard that before,” the frog offered.
“Why that is just disgustin’,” Bill spit out.
“Tell me about it,” the frog countered.
Yes, disgusting! He knew about disgusting. Bill had kissed Lorena. And had done other vile things with her. He was sure his maker was the reason he was in Hell. And then Satan…he shuddered. There was nothing vile about this frog. He was an honest fellow with an honest problem. And he appeared to be and smell clean. He could certainly kiss a frog’s ass. Who would know? Who would care? He was on the golden path and this frog was part of this path to fulfilling his quest, his plan, his return to Earth.
“Left cheek or right?” Bill turned his head slightly and leaned in so he could see this handsome fellow’s face.
“Huh?” the frog shrugged. “I don’t know. Just find a spot that looks good to you and plant one on me.”
“On your left check is a freckle, I am aiming for that,” Bill said with surety.
“Just make it happen and consider that imposter king as good as dead and an abundance of snow to bathe in.”
A firm and soft-lipped kiss is what Bill blessed the deposed frog king with. “You feel anything?” Bill asked.
“Huh,” the frog shivered all over, “maybe. Oh sorry,” the frog said, I think I just pissed on your hands.”
“Not a problem,” Bill replied, “I used to find frogs all the time when I was a boy. You are not the first frog to pee on my hand.”
This was not the time to panic, but morning had to be coming on. Bill stood there with the frog in his hands, feeling time slip away from him. It was time to be bold. “How about if I kiss the right cheek, as well?”
“I…I…I am a bit of a loss, here. Sorry I am not better informed,” the frog said, turning his head to face him. “This is my first time as being cursed to frog. I guess it could not hurt.”
“Fine. I am aiming for the center of the right cheek.”
With a bit more passion and longing, on went the kiss. When Bill drew back his face he asked, “Feel anything?”
“Wait one,” the frog replied as he started to shiver all over and then out popped a frog long-poo. “Oh-h-h, sorry about that,” the frog said and jumped down. “It’s just that I don’t know what to expect. But you have upheld your part of the bargain. So, have a little snow. I am going to have to hibernate until all this passes,” the frog said as he hopped away and into the field.
“Why,” Bill said in wonder as he felt the first of the flakes softly brush past his face, “It’s snowing! Why that little green fellow knew what he was about. He must be the king of the fae! I hope I was king enough so that when he wakes up, he will be a fae king in his own right.”
Bill stood for several moments and just enjoyed the feel of the flakes lightly kissing his skin. “I guess I need to get this done. Time to strip down and bathe in this gentle softness and be clean and good for my Sookie,” he smiled at fond memories as he disrobed and felt the snow float past his body as he began to scrub…. and…and… “Ouch…what was that?” He felt a stinging sensation on his face and then other parts of him. “What…?” he yelped as he was being pelted with sharp, stinging, sleet. The wind picked up to blizzard strength and he was now being pushed around as the wind howled and freezing rain was pounding him. When a small snow tornado picked him up, whirled him around and slammed him down, he realized, “Time to look for shelter.” His clothes had disappeared. Either blown away or buried under a snow bank! “Soldiering was good for something,” he said as he hit the ground, trying to avoid the flashes of lightning that were sizzling the snow and then he began low-crawling toward the ditch. “That little frog had the right idea, if I can’t find shelter, maybe I’ll just go to ground for a few minutes until this passes.”
Once he was in the ditch, he could smell it. There was a wood fire, coming from his front. The ditch was quickly filling with frigid water as he was covered in howling snow. His low crawl turned into a fast run as he followed the wood fire smell and the wind tried to devour him! The smoke smell was stronger. It was time to take shelter. When he hit the side of a building with a solid crunch, the wind kept his body pushed up against it as he followed the wooden structure around until he found himself on a small porch.
Trying the door, it blew open and the wind pushed him and the snow into the middle of the small cottage that was home to a huge walk-in fireplace.
From the looks of things, it had been abandoned. No one lived here. There was nothing that spoke of daily living except for a chair that was shoved back into one corner. But there was a fire and a skin-rug of some sort in front of the fire. “Oh-h-h-h,” Bill huddled in front of the roaring logs that sent out the blissful heat as he slowly turned and warmed himself. “A place for a lovers tryst.”
Once he was dry, he let his eyes wander carefully around the room. That was odd. There appeared to be clothing on a bent bamboo café style chair. Odd, but very good for him. He would find something to wear!
Carrying the chair over to the front of the fire, he inspected the clothing that was on it. His laughter filled the room. “Fantasies,” he smiled as he held up a riding crop, a top hat, a woman’s red tux jacket and a very short black leather skirt for the dominatrix. There was a man’s lion mask and lion furry pants with a long tail. No shirt, he smiled, for the sub.
The women’s clothing would not fit but he could at least wear the lion pants and wrap that rug about his shoulders. Then he was going to his mansion and demand proper attire to greet his Sookie, in. Or maybe steal clothing that was left out by the pool. He was all about working the plan.
The cottage had stopped shuddering and it was now quiet. Pulling on the pants, and picking up the rug, Bill walked over to the door and peered out. Just as quickly as the storm had appeared, it was now gone, with the snow along with it. There was still a bit of a chill in the air and the moon was now a bit fuller than what it had been. That was odd, but he was willing to roll with it. After what he had experienced tonight, it was all good and part of his path, which was once more glowing before him. Wrapping the rug around his shoulders he set off.
There was an apple orchard up ahead. He could smell them. That wonderful smell wafting on the breeze. And then his golden path was no longer golden! The moon was blocked with some type of cloud that appeared to be alive!
He heard the witch cackle in glee as she shouted, “There, that lion on The King’s Highway! I am sure he does not have permission to travel there. Let loose!”
“Let loose!” Bill screeched. Let loose with what? He did not want to look, but if he was going to be cursed, he at least wanted to see what was coming his way. The witch’s voice was behind him. Lifting his face, he looked straight up into the night sky. That is when he could see them. Flying monkeys! Hundreds upon hundreds of them! All of them wearing some type of cute little uniform, reminding him of an organ grinder and his monkey. And then it…let loose took on a whole new meaning…he was being pelted with monkey poo!
Was there a reason he was being pounded with shit, tonight?
“I am glad I grabbed this rug,” he said as he hunkered down under it, pulling himself up as small as he could and wondering if he needed more snow to clean off the smell of flying monkey. Listening to her cackle and call encouragement, Bill could see the frog’s point of view. Bitch…on…a…stick!
When he no longer felt the missiles landing on him and it was once more quiet, he carefully pulled back the rug and felt things shifting on top of him. “Oh, bitch on a stick,” he grumbled as he looked out and was buried in poo.
“Best thing to do,” Bill smiled when he heard the frog’s voice, “is just flip your covering back as fast as you can and then hop out. Some is just going to get on you. You just have to accept that and move on. Look’s like one or two hit you head on, anyway. Those fuckers have a good arm.”
“Thanks,” Bill said as he did just that. Once he was standing upright, he thought maybe he could just levitate himself out of the perfect six-foot circle that was knee high poo that had buried him. With a thought and nothing happened, he determined that it was no to the levitating. Okay, his vampire skills no longer worked. But he had been good at hop-scotch as a child. He could make this happen. Springing, he was up and over the worst of it. He had made almost to the outer perimeter. With a couple of steps, he was out and once more standing on his golden path.
“I see the flying monkeys are practicing their strafing runs,” the frog said. “Under her orders, of course. She guards this road like she shit the fucking gold. She is a bitch on a stick,” the frog chuckled.
“Flying monkeys,” Bill echoed in wonder.
“Yes, I see their aim is still one-hundred percent. Would have to be if you want to fly with her. She surrounds herself with only the best. Which is why I am sure she fucks the never king. I heard he was spectacular. Of course, not as good as me. If she had ever,” he stressed, “been under me, this fucker would be an insect for a frog snack. Oh well, enough of my bitching,” the frog sighed.
“Glad I ran into you again. A word of warning,” the frog’s voice was somber. “Anytime you see a flying monkey, the bitch on a stick is someplace close by. They are her minions, her escort, probably her sex partners as well. Not that I am judging her for that,” he added with sincerity. “When fae, I may have looked with favor on other forms of fae, as well.
And since you are still standing, I see you took my advice and did not look at her.”
“Thanks for the warning about that,” Bill replied. “I am forever grateful. And oh, for the snow as well.”
“Glad that worked out for you,” he said with a smile.
“I was hoping only the best for you,” Bill placed his hand over his heart. “That perhaps, you would have changed back after your hibernation. There is just something about being buried in the good earth that revives you.”
“Be careful,” the frog chuckled, “or I am going to think you are a frog prince that has been cursed to be human.”
Bill laughed. “Why yes, that would make us opposites,” he smiled at his new-found friend.
“Where are you headed?” the frog asked as they walked along. “If it is someplace important, I would suggest washing the flying monkey shit off of you before you arrive there.”
“Do I need snow for that?” Bill asked, concern in his voice.
“No, just some soap and water, unless you have a drop of dew from the first moon of the new day.”
“No,” Bill smiled. “I do not have that. And I am still on the path,” he said. “And feeling much better about this now that I have met you. And,” he looked around him, noticing the woods that backed up to his house. “Now things are starting to look familiar. I have a mansion not much farther, from here. I can get clean, there. And change into something presentable.”
“That sounds like a good plan,” the frog said agreeably.
“Yes,” Bill smiled, “I think I am now about to plan G.”
There was a lot of second looks and longed for second chances going on in Pam’s office and in the foyer. “Eric’s signature move! A fucking, howling blizzard, complete with lightning!” A lot of them were a bit thunderstruck as their days in the mansion were now going on years that they owed SWAMBO. How had that been so nicely worked into tonight’s little scenario?
Tara was laughing so hard, she kept wiping at the tears that were rolling down her face. “I’ve got the next month off,” she hooted in glee! “That suck ass summit in Europe we are suppose to be attending, now let me see….” she was dancing around in glee! “Who bet me that Compton would not kiss Eric’s ass…twice?”
“No, no, no, no, no,” Pam was sniffling as the office watched Billy-Boy and The Frog King walk along the golden path on the giant TV as money and I.O.U. vouchers were being exchanged at a furious clip. “No!” she wailed. “Eric said I could take the next thirty days off!”
“Oh-h-h-h-h my maker,” Tara looked very sad. “Too fucking bad!” she hooted! “Those tears of yours do not work on me! I am out of here! Just as soon as this tasty tidbit comes to an end. I want my time on the big assed TV as well. I shall strike a pose and say my lines and live forever in the land of the fae!
Unless, of course,” Tara winked at her, “you want to make a deal. I’ll trade you that thirty days if I get to say your lines as well as mine. Of course, since you would not be say’n’ any lines there would be no reason for you to be present.”
“I turned a monster…” Pam sniffled.
Tara’s grin got bigger.
“You are just like Eric,” she huffed.
Tara’s grin split her face as she shook all over with joy.
Pam was giving this some serious thought….not…. “Thirty days of just me and my cabana boy or living forever on the wide screens in Fae…not really much of a choice,” Pam drawled. “Wallace,” she eyed her husband. “Put on some pimping Good Linda of the South Madame of the House clothes, I just wrote you in. Hey,” she grinned, “I just rhymed!”
“What?” Tara squeaked as she eyed her maker.
“Welcome to The Brothel of the Manse,” Pam fluttered her eyelashes. “The house of pleasure where you will find good times,” as her fangs snicked down, “and the ladies wearin’ little to nothin’ else.”