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Dear Readers,

This is not a new story. It is one I wrote several years ago for Halloween. So I thought I would drag it back out and re-post it here. You can find it in fan fiction, I believe. I do not think it has been pulled, there. It is also on my fiction pad account. It is attached to the end of Preemptive Strike and I believe it also stands alone with its own banner.

By Halloween, I should have all of the chapters up here.

This follows on to Preemptive Strike. It is Halloween after the Northman twins are born and Hunter is a most excellent big brother.

And Bill Compton comes slithering up out of Hell into a round fae portal. Oh joy! Let the games, begin! (You know, sometimes I just need to whack on Compton…)

As always, thanks for reading!


The characters of the Southern Vampire Mysteries belong to Miss Charlaine Harris. No infringement on my part is intended. The characters on True Blood belong to Mr. Alan Ball. No infringement on my part is intended.

I have no BETA, editor, or other such charming person. All mistakes are my own.

This story is rated M and contains sex, foul language and Bill Compton.

Preemptive Strike—The Hell Mouth Opens!

Chapter 9 “…a whorehouse by any other name…”

As they walked along the edge of the road, in low voices they talked about everyday things.   Bill enjoyed the frog king’s company. This cursed fae was forthright about what it had been like to be king and now deposed and how difficult it was to be left in the land of the witch.   At all times, both of them were mindful of the danger they were in.

“Ah-h-h-h,” Bill hesitated for only a moment. He felt as if he could ask his new friend anything. “Have you ever seen a tall, blond, man out here at night?”

“Oh,” the frog stopped. “You mean vampire Eric, the Viking?”

“Oh!” Bill stopped and was just a bit amazed. “Yes, do you know him?”

“Yes, quite well,” the frog replied. “Some nights we go drinking and quench our thirst. He has an A negative and I have a mosquito. We sit out here in the field and pass the time. He seems to be a nice guy. Really preoccupied with his dick,” the frog made a jerking off motion.

“That would be him,” Bill rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“But once you get him past the sex and him bitching about the lack he is having there of, he’s actually got a wicked sense of humor. Knows more frog jokes than anyone I have ever met.”

“Frog jokes?” Bill echoed back to him with a raised eyebrow.

“Case in point,” the frog offered a bow. “Why did the frog take a bath with the princess?”

“I, I don’t now why?” Bill asked.

“So he could rrrrubbbit!” the ousted king chuckled and wiggled his eyebrows. “This one is good, also. A pop quiz. The princess likes to have sex while she bathes. You want to have sex with the princess while she bathes. How deep does the princess like her bath water?”

“I…”Bill paused. “I feel like I should know this one…”

“Kneedeep,” the frog winked at him. “I know, that one is so obvious that it just sort of hops up there with the joke about what kind of shoes does a princess wear?”

“Shoes?” Bill was a bit of a loss.

“Open toad.”

“Oh,” Bill smiled. “Of course.”

“Here is one for you. Pretty obvious. What’s green and dangerous?” he chuckled.

“A frog…?” Bill stopped and then looked thoughtful and finally shook his head no. Evan was obviously waiting to deliver the punch line.

“A frog on a date with your girlfriend,” the frog was so pleased out went his tongue and in went more of his meal. “What did your girlfriend say when the frog started to take off her panties?”

Bill was shaking his head….”I…I…”

Smiling the frog said gleefully, “Rippit!

How many frogs did your girlfriend invite to the orgy?

“Orgy…?” he managed to get out before the frog cut him off.

“Toadly too many.”

Bill moaned at bit. “That was just bad, but a bit punny.”

They both laughed.

“Most good. You get the idea,” his x-king greenness smiled and bowed.  “And now, for my all time favorite. Tadpoles slapping their tails, please.”

“What?” Bill leaned in closer.

“Drum roll, please.”

“Oh-h-h-h,” Bill smiled and settled back.

“Why can’t your girlfriend talk?”


“She has a frog in her throat.”

Both deposed kings chuckled.

“You are a funny fellow,” Bill smiled at him, “even if I would not tell those in polite female company.”

“I have my moments,” he replied. “But Northman does seem to bring out the horny toad side of me.”

“Is Eric….” Bill looked thoughtful.

“Out here a lot?” the frog king said. “Yes. He was hopped up on fae blood one night. Started crying about how much he misses Sookie.” The frog’s and Bill’s eyes met. “Only one person out here with that name and she is married to the never king. Eric sits out here, listening for the sound of her voice. From sundown to sunrise.”

“I saw him earlier,” Bill said. “Eric…he was a bit…” and Bill shrugged. “I don’t know…lost…”

“Yes,” the frog nodded.   “This is where he now spends all of his waking time. He loves her. When I destroy the imposter, maybe he will have another chance with her…but he is going to have to step up his game. I have heard her screaming when she and the never king are having sex out here. Damn….I have to give him credit, he gets the job done. When he is finished with her, he carries her back to the house and she is crying and sobbing, please, do that again. I want more. Fill me with that great big dick of yours. I can never get enough of that. Fuck me until I cannot walk and then fuck me harder. Put that gigantic…”

“I get the idea,” Bill sighed. “He’s a stud.”

“Yes,” the frog nodded. “Damn, I could get laid. Just thinking about her and those nast-eeee things that comes out of her mouth after she takes something of his out.”

“Got the idea,” Bill eyed the frog and then discretely cleared his throat. Then bit his lip, then let go of a big sigh.

“Oh fuck,” the frog took a closer look at Bill. “You do her?”

“I,” he smiled politely, “a gentleman does not kiss and tell. But, seeing as how we are going down that road, I was her first.”

The frog licked his lips. “Come on King Bill,” his voice caught, “do not disappoint. Tell me please! So, you know what it is like to be inside that much woman and have her screaming your name like that….”

A lot of air blew out of Bill’s mouth as he crossed his arms in front of his body.

“Oh-h-h-h-h…” and you could hear the disappointment in the green one’s throat. The frog patted Bill on the foot. “King Bill, I am so sorry…”

Bill gave him a sad little smile.

“She, she never screamed your name like that…wow man…sorry to be talking about things like that. I am sorry. Really.”

“That’s all in the past,” Bill said. “And besides, I think I see lights through the trees. That would be my family’s home.”

As they got closer, Bill and the frog king could see the glow from the mansion’s windows. They were now at a place in the road where it was going to split in several directions. One took you right to the front door of the mansion and stopped there. They ducked into a small stand of trees and waited.

“That is just a bit odd, don’t you think?” Bill said as he was concentrating on the porch of his former home.   “That the road just dead ends there?”

“It’s a king owned business,” the frog replied.

“What?” Bill looked down at him.

“The golden road always empties into something that belongs to the king. Judging from the looks of the place, it is not one of his residences. So it must be a business.”

“What kind of business would a king of the fae be running from my home?” Bill asked.

The frog chuckled and wiggled his eyebrows. “One of the oldest around.”

“What?” Bill gasped. “My home…a brothel?”

“I have heard about this place,” the frog sounded very intrigued and well informed.   “The Brothel of the Manse. It is supposed to help you relive your youth and embolden your cock.”

Bill looked like he was in pain. “I don’t want strange cocks emboldened in my momma’s house. I was born there. My momma walked those floors at night with me when I had the fever.”

“Well,” the frog eyed him, “now those floors are walked at night with all manner of folk who have the fever.”

Bill thought maybe he was going to be ill. Hell was bad enough and now he was in Hell on earth. His momma’s and his daddy’s home…a whorehouse! His voice was very quiet and sad. “I am glad my momma is not around to see this. It was bad enough when those damn Yankees came through disturbing her during the war. This is just wrong and me being here shows my lack of respect for my momma and women in general. What do you think I should do?” Bill said, his voice quiet and sad.

“Go to the front door, knock, and get laid,” the frog responded. “I hear Tuesday nights you can get two-for-one. Is it Tuesday?” and Bill could hear the desire and anticipation in this green guy’s voice.

Bill’s mouth came open and then promptly closed. “That is just wrong,” he chided his small friend. “And you should not sound so hopeful. You are a frog.”

“Yes, but beneath this green is a king of the fae. And there is nothing wrong with hot and nasty sex. And when you are eight inches tall and green, the hot and nasty does not happen for you that often. I speak from experience.

Of course, I hear the The Manse does cater to everyone in The Realm. So hey, maybe I could get lucky,” he smiled, wiggling his eyebrows. “But then,” he sighed, “they would all know me. Which is one of the reasons I stay, away. Don’t want word to get back that I am still around and getting some. Bitch on a stick would come looking for me. And one thing I do not need is a double whammy from her. Although, she is green, I am green…this could work under different circumstances.”

“After what she has done to you?” Bill said kneeling down, trying to understand.

“Mmmm,” the frog sighed. “Like I said, under different circumstances, she can redefine your hot and nasty.”

“You sound as if you speak from experience,” Bill chided him.

“Rub-b-b-b-bit!” the frog chuckled.

“Horney toad is right,” he shook his finger at his small friend.   “Oh, wait one,” Bill said as he crouched lower behind a tree, “someone is coming outside.”

“Oh-h-h-h,” the frog hopped up on Bill’s shoulder to get a better look. “She’s pretty. I very much like her crown but I would never dress her in that color. Peach? Really? But she is lovely. Do you know her? Is she royal? I can tell from here that she’s not fae but I’d do her.   And if she is royal, maybe with a kiss from her I could be back in the non green penis biz.”

Bill laughed. Maybe the first time in years. Maybe since he had been human. “That is Pamela. She is the child of Eric. He might be out here pining for Sookie but she is the original bitch on a stick with fangs.”

“Now,” the frog chuckled, “who sounds like they speak from experience. You tap that lovely bit of blonde?”

Bill’s laughter got a little louder and then he got very serious.  “No thank you. And she would skewer you on one of the heals of her shoes. Down your throat and out through the tip of your penis. She likes girls,” Bill gave him a tight lipped smile, “and when she tells you to back off, you had better believe she means it.”

“Whoa,” the frog said with new respect. “Ah-h-h-h Bill, you speak from experience?”

“I had just been crowned…” he closed his eyes and let the shudder over take him. “I really thought I had all the answers and was handsome and charming and could not be told no. By anyone. And I thought maybe Pamela might change her mind about females and sex if she could have a taste of king and sex.”

“You are still standing…” the frog eyed him.

“She carries a collapsible wooden rod about as round as her little finger. All these little wooden pieces are threaded with a thin wire of some sort. If she shakes it, it becomes about six feet long and with the dexterity and timing she displays, I am willing to be believe that I am not the first male she has ever skewered with it.”

“Oh ouch and fu-u-u-uck,” the frog said.

“Parts of me took longer to grow back than others. One part of me never did return to its original size.”

“Oh fuck and the lack thereof,” the frog patted his shoulder.

Bill smiled. “I was out of line of course, and lets just say I am sorry for all those frogs I gigged as a boy.”

“Does come back around to bite you on the ass,” Evan patted his shoulder, again.

“Yes,” Bill replied. “I did not see that coming. She is fast, like her maker.”

“Air pressure is changing,” Evan said. “We have a dragon incoming.”

“What?” Bill squeaked. “Dragon…”

“Get down, but stay so we can see. But I cannot be seen skulking around here. And do not say my name. Even if it is whispered, it will carry on the wind and the dragon will hear it.”

After being in Hell, Bill thought he could no longer be surprised. Little did he know…

Watching in wonder, he was mesmerized when a large dragon rode the moonbeams into the yard.

“Mistress Pamela,” they both heard the man say her name as he dismounted from the dragon. “I am glad you got the call to come out and meet me.”

“Master Wallace,” she bowed her head and you could hear the disdain in her voice. “It was not like I had a choice, was it.”

Striding up to the porch, he laughed heartily and said, “Come down those steps and greet your lord properly.”

“You are a free-balling bastard,” she hissed and continued to hiss names at him as she walked over to him.

“Now now, soon to be mother. Such language will not go unpunished. I will approach the king about keeping you breeding only for me.”

Bill’s eyes went round as he watched Pamela, pulled as if against her will, go forward toward the dragon rider. Cursing as she went, soon she was in his arms and crushed against Wallace’s body. His mouth claiming hers as his hands pulled her ass up and onto him.

Bill was shocked when he saw the fae’s fangs glittering in the moonlight and then he bit Pam’s neck.   Bill was even more shocked when he saw Pamela do the same thing to the male. While she was drinking, from Pamela came moans and curses. And…and…the sound of something else! Something nasty! This Wallace had positioned both of their bodies so he could dry hump her and it sounded like something they both enjoyed.

Abruptly, he put her down and smirked. “So you have missed me, aye lass.”

“Fucker,” she hissed.

“Oh, not yet, but I shall,” his hand cupped her ass and then snaked around her body and pulled her backside into him. “I am bringing you a gift.”

“Oh good…” she hissed, “your head on a pike?”

Bill and Evan felt the air pressure, shift, again. There was a dragon, inbound.

“Love of my life and mother of my children,” his mouth was brutal as he kissed her neck and then pulled back. “This is my gift to you for bearing my young. Here comes your oldest child, now.”

“What?” Pam took a step forward, trying to get away from him.

“No, you will stand here with me, as is my right,” he said to her as his hands roamed across the front of her body. “What you carry is mine and I have every right to you.”

“You have Tara?” Pam’s voice cracked.

“Aye, just a small gift from me to you and a small, tasty, gift for Chester. He fancies himself a liege lord. To do that, he must have his children to barter as husbands and wives. I told him what a fine spirit you had. He wanted likewise for himself. You shall have your oldest child, Tara, and Chester shall have a breeder. He shall be father to many fine children. All which shall marry into houses of power and position.”

There was a female screaming rage and male laughter coming from the sky as a dragon came roaring in on the flailing currents of the night air and Tara’s body.

“No,” was all Pam was able to get out before the dragon settled and Chester was off and on the ground with Tara over his shoulder.

“My brother dragon rider,” Wallace smiled and called to him. “I see you have brought her home.”

“Aye brother. A fine assed breeder she is if one ever walked the two realms. It shall be a pleasure to watch her conceive. She has strength and a very extensive vocabulary which is rich in ways to fuck. We shall try all of them. One or two sound like they could become a favorite.

Her strength and beauty is indeed remarkable. I shall train her in the blade just so I will have to watch my own back and dick, to make sure that both stay intact and undamaged.”

“You toad sucking piece of fae shit,” Tara screeched. She got in one good kick before both of her legs were wrapped in one of his arms.

“I have brought you home, lass,” Chester chuckled. “Your home, your place of business, awaits,” he slapped her on the ass. “And there is someone here to greet you.”

Turning her head she saw Pamela.

“Just accept it,” Pam said as tears slowly fell. “I’m pregnant, Tara. It is all true. Vampire is descended from fae. Has he kissed you?” she asked, her voice sad and fearful as she watched her child being carried like a weak, human female.

“Yes,” Tara fixed her eyes on Pam. “When…when he found me…I fought him…but…but…my maker…” she was crying.

“Too late,” Pamela wailed. “It is too late. His saliva has started the change that will take your bones back to fae. You will bear his children and he will rule over you.”

“No,” Tara wailed and her scream rent the night. “No-o-o-o-o! I will not go back to that. I will not.”

“It is too late, child,” Pamela cried as her hand reached out to stroke Tara’s face as she went by. Being carried with no dignity, but slung over a great hulking fae’s shoulder as if and indeed she was, just a feather bed for this great beast of a male to find his comfort.

“Welcome to The Brothel of the Manse,” Pam sobbed and Wallace laughed as he scooped her up into his arms and carried her inside.

Evan just shook his head when Bill turned to ask him questions.   Pointing with his head toward the dragons, they could see that they were about to take flight. Once the front doors closed, the dragons shot straight up into the night.

“What the fuck?” Bill asked, terror in his voice.

“Vampire is descended from fae and the bodily fluids in the fae cause a chain reaction in vampire. If there is enough fluids exchanged, the female vampire can conceive and the vampire male will be fertile as well. The never king is hoping that because vampire has not been tainted, but carries the original fae marker in their bones, that their fluids will correct the sterile in us as well.

The war in fae has caused both male and female fae to be sterile. The never king, he is having all vampires rounded up and is breeding them with fae that is fertile.”

“What the fuck…” Bill was still lost in that thought.

“The never king is replenishing his ranks. These shall be more than halflings. They will be fae in their bones, because vampire is fae in their bones. And if it corrects the sterility in us…” the frog just shrugged.

“I do not want to believe that…” Bill gasped out.

“It is true,” Evan sighed. “It is a very long story, but true.

Actually, it is a very clever plan on the part of the never king. The royal houses shall grow in strength and beauty once again and the never king shall have his praises sang for doing so. He shall be remembered in our song and legends forever and a day as the one that gave us back life.”

“Vampires…fertile…? And…” Bill could not even consider the thought, “and the male vampires as well?”

“Yes,” Evan replied with a nod of his head. “Northman takes a horrible risk by being out here. I have told him so, repeatedly. The noble ladies of the realm would stand in line to lie with him. They would pay handsomely to feel his body on top of theirs, his kisses sweet while he nuzzles their breast and he satisfies them with robust vigor. If he is ever caught and made fae in his bones,” the frog was very thoughtful, “the ladies would find him to be worth the ride.

The never king has a sister,” the frog lowered his voice, as if afraid to be overheard.  “There has not been a fae male worthy of her, fertile or not. If Eric covers her with his magnificence, with his child in her, Northman would be made a prince of the realm.”

“Eric,” Bill sputtered, his reality now brought sharply back into focus. “A prince of the fae realm….” and then Bill began to formulate his plan K…

“Sookie is a queen,” Bill said to his small friend. “If she were to kiss you, do you think you would revert back to fae?”

“King Bill,” Evan hopped down off his shoulder. “Why would she do this?”

“I know Sookie,” Bill said earnestly. He had to sale this. All had to be believable. Things were so fucked up here that Eric could become a fae prince! He would spend forever in Hell before he let that happen! His sincerest smile planted and grew on his face. “She is a wonderful person. Truly. A lovely person. She would help you. I just have to figure out some way so that I could speak to her by herself. I will be able to tell if she loves the never king in her heart. Depending on what vibe I read from her, will depend on my approach. If she does not love him, then the straight forward approach with just a slight curve will work best for us. If she has indeed, been infected and believes that she loves him, well, then, I will just use the ‘my friend needs help’, approach.”

“King Bill,” the frog sounded hopeful. “You would do this for me?”

“Yes, of course,” Bill smiled. “But…but we are going to need an open fae portal. So that she can see I am not lying to her about any of this.   Can you do that?” Bill asked.

“Yes, of course,” the frog responded. “King Bill,” the frog hesitated, “have you given her reason to doubt you?”

There was sorrow on Bill’s face. “Yes.”

“Then it shall be a large and flashy portal,” the frog smiled. “Do not worry. We will not give her a reason to doubt you. But there is a problem. I have watched human females. They are not so different from the ones in fae. I do not believe that she is going to be enchanted with the dragon shit portal,” the frog shook his head to emphasize his point.

“You are right, of course,” Bill nodded in agreement with his friend. “There is a portal in the cemetery, not far from here. I will bring her there if you will open it.”

“A good solid plan,” the frog smiled. “King Bill, I am very impressed with you. Do I want to know how you know about the portal?

Bill chuckled. “Maybe later. That is also a long story.”

“Cemetery it is, then,” the frog king croaked.   “Let’s stop off there and I will get started. What about clothes for you?”

Looking down, he still wore the lion pants. “I had such grand hopes of being a bit more presentable. But these fae…” he hesitated. They were big and what the fuck! They rode dragons! Who knew just exactly where the dragons went? Were they circling overhead, watching the area? “If I could not obtain access to the mansion, I thought I could steal clothes that are left by the pool. The pool, however, is overlooked by the entire back of the house and the house seems to be busy with the enemy.”

“Oh,” the frog chuckled. “A bit of the voyeur, are we?”

There was no stopping the smiled that took over Bill’s face. “There was not a bad view, anywhere,” he said wistfully.

“So we would be spotted,” the frog added the unspoken thought.

“Yes,” Bill replied. “This will just have to do.”

“Then do it shall, King Bill,” the frog twirled his hand and then gave him a grand, flourishing bow. “I have decreed it so.”

“And I thank you, sir king,” Bill bowed like wise.

Down the golden road they went, chatting quietly as two old friends. They were two kings, both with getting laid on their mind.

“This is a good one,” the frog king chuckled. “Do you know why the princess wanted deep-fried frog legs for dinner?”

“No,” Bill shook his head.

“Because for lunch she ate…” The frog jumped up on his shoulder and whispered in his ear.

“No she did not,” Bill was shocked.

“Oh yes she did,” the frog chuckled.

“That is just rude, vulgar and can not at all be told in polite female company,” Bill laughed. “But amongst us men, I would find that to be most satisfying.”

“Rubbit in that,” the frog chuckled as they proceeded merrily, along.


Bill stood off in the woods facing the front porch of the old Stackhouse farmhouse. Well, one of the front porches. The original one remained, but to the left of it, there was a massive porch where the main front door was now located. Very impressive. There were a lot of chairs and a massive outdoor fireplace located there. Sookie did like to sit outside and watch it rain. Looked like she now did so in style and comfort. It spoke of money and also hospitality. A charming combination in the South.

Well yes, the frog king had not been kidding. They had added on and then some. The old farmhouse was now substantial, in still a very charming sort of way. Well, it would need to be. If the fae king was going to use Sookie as a brood mare, they were going to need bedrooms for all those children. Good thing he was taking her away from all of this. How she must hate being used to further this king’s future.

And she had been successfully bred.  The king had apparently brought one into the marriage and Sookie had given birth to twins. Oh what to do? The momma in her would know he was up to something. His momma always knew when he wanted to be up to no good. He would be careful. Maybe once she got past the shock of seeing him, he would just explain about the frog king.

Sookie had a kind heart and she liked frogs. He knew that because they had gone out one night with her driving her death trap and she had almost brought the true death to both of them when she tried to dodge that frog that was in the road.

“You just have to know her weakness,” Bill smiled. “And it just so happens that I do.”

Bill heard the front door open and he stepped back deeper into the shadows. Really, vampire was the bastard child of the fae? Well…maybe this was not so difficult after all. Sookie had been his at one time. His blood in her, her blood…   oh-h-h-h, was that the beginning of an erection in ‘ole Nub? …in him….that old magic just might still be there. He started stretching out with his will and calling to her.

“Nub, old friend,” he grinned as he stroked the front of his pants, “we will make this happen,” as he kept repeating her name with longing and a bit of wanting to control her. To keep her humble and poor and harken back to those times when she had been so impressionable and had less and she had thought that he was a god. A god with a nice car and willing to show her a good time without spending any money on her.

“I’m goin’ over to the cemetery to visit with Gran,” he heard her say as she turned back into the house. “Everyone is tucked in and sleeping. I won’t be gone long, Lafayette. It is just with the babies teething, I have not had any time to myself, today.”

“She is still my sweet, sweet Sookie!” he sighed. Oh-h-h-h, she is going to visit with Gran. Her heart was gold. “I’ve still got it!” he smiled as he ran his hands through his hair. “That un-definable je ne sais quoi! My Southern Charm and my mind numbing power as vampire! ” Bill was gleeful, this was going to be very easy. So what if Sookie was fae and had been sucking face with their soon to be dead king…he was still William T. Compton. He had plan L,M,N O & P. The world was going to be his!

Chapter 10      Epilogue   “…other such delights…”

Bill positioned himself so that Sookie was going to pass by him. This was yummy…she was yummy and offered other such delights. M-m-m-m… she would be tasty. Might just be time for plan Q, R, S, T, U, & V. Admiring her easy gate, he could see where motherhood agreed with her. Her breasts were fuller, bigger, rounder. ‘Ole Nub spit out what was on his mind! She was breastfeeding! This would be top of the line go for broke orgasmic!   And her hips were just a bit rounder. That would not be noticeable to anyone but him! All that moist, deliciousness, curviness fitting into his hands and his mouth!

The never king would not know her well enough to admire those fine, enhanced, features about her. Of course, in just a matter of moments, well, Sookie would be admired by everyone in Hell. They would know what to do with all that lusciousness that was packaged in that female. Bill grinned. Well, yes…he should definitely have his way with her one more time. Give her fond memories of being loved by a tender heart. Those in Hell would not be so mindful.

“Sookie,” he called gently to her mind. “Sookie….” No response. Then he tried pushing his will at her, being just a bit more demanding. “Sookie! Tell me that you love me.” His ears could hear every twig she stepped on, the grass as it crunched beneath her feet. A bat flitting by overhead. But not one word from her full, inviting lips. Well drat! He was going to have to be more conventional in his approach, because here she came, now.

“Sookie,” he said out loud, pushing as much tenderness as he could into the word. “Sookie…”

“Bill Compton,” she paused, looking around. “I would know that person who mispronounced my name, anywhere. Where are you?”

“Sookie,” he said as he stepped out from behind the tree.

“Bill,” she peered deep into the shadows. “I guess it’s true. The dead do get to roam the earth on All Hallow’s Eve.”

Well just wait one!   What!   Criticizing him already! This was not fair. She was not at all overjoyed to see him or even surprised. And she knew about the dead roaming on this night? “I guess reading all those books paid off for her,” he sighed to himself. “I hate smart women,” he said with passion to himself.

“Sookie,” he stepped out into the moonlight.

“Bill,” she replied. “Still skulking around in my woods, huh. Did you not do enough of that in your un-dead life that you must come back from…from…?” and she shrugged, “…I am guessing Hell.”

“Sookie,” he drew back from her, aghast! “I am back from the dead. Yours to command until dawn and answer your questions about the after life and that is all that I get? A reminder of what you consider my former transgressions.”

“Same old Bill. Still skulking and whining.   I see true death did not change you one bit. And you speak to me of former transgressions, hah! Why, if I was to bring that list up, we would be here all night.”

“Sookie,” his voice sound hurt and he took a step closer. “Once you loved me. I was your everything, your all. I was,” he took a step closer with tears in his voice, “I was your first. Why, one night we even made our lover’s bed in the cemetery. Not close to your Gran’s grave, of course, but close enough. You know she approved of me.”

“That’s pretty lame, Bill. You seduced an innocent with the intent of hauling me off to Sophie-Anne.

Lover’s bed my ass. You were covered in grave dirt,” she rolled her eyes.   “And I see things for you have not changed much. Still approaching me with no shirt on and some kind of furry pants. Your newest kink, huh. Well, I don’t fuck animals or even those back from the dead who…well,” she eyed him, “who do not have the decency to put on a shirt.

I would just as soon as trot Eric out here and relive my past exploits in the woods with him. With Eric, at least, I was not washing dirt out of my girly parts for days and he did not lie to me. No way was Eric a tightwad.   I hope you have a point. I am married and have babies. Your time out here in my woods is limited. Thankfully, this day is going to come to an end and you along with it. Get to the point.”

“I have been sent back to right a wrong,” he humbly replied while inside he was seething. However, a very good point to consider was that she had not said happily married and that worked for him. Then reality set in and he wanted to howl in anger, because she had said Eric! Evan had said the never king was a stud and yet Sookie preferred Eric! Eric must be a bigger stud! How was any of this fair?

“You,” she arched that dang-gum infernal eyebrow at him. “Right a wrong? This has got to be a good one,” she chuckled. “Should I sit down or get ready to puke my guts out from laughing so hard. I could go either way.”

Swallowing down his anger, he kept his sincere self in place. Hell, even Sophie-Anne had believed this face and that bitch believed no one.

“There is a fae who has been enchanted by an evil witch that now resides here. He was turned into a frog.”

“Oh,” she raised an eyebrow at him as she lifted her feet. “Knee-deep,” she sounded like a frog, “in bullshit,” she laughed. “Or would that be frog-shit?”

Why, it did not sound like she believed him! More tears flowed from his eyes as his face reflected the pain he felt inside.

“Tears are not going to work on me, Bill. Maybe the truth, will. Which witch was this?” she snickered.

“I do not know her name but this frog calls her a bitch on a stick and she is green. She rides a broom and has flying monkeys. I know this for a fact because they flung poo at me.”

“Oh-h-h-h-h,” came out in a hushed whisper.

Well that was better.   Old Bill just earned a few respect points and ‘Ole Nub was filling hopeful. The first time in years.

“You know for sure this frog is fae?” Sookie asked. He could still hear the doubt in her voice.

“Yes, he is opening the portal in the cemetery to prove it to you.”

“Oh. And just exactly what is it I am suppose to do?”

“A royal has to kiss him, to break the spell.”

“I am married, Bill,” she began. “I am not kissing anyone but my husband.”

“Sookie, he is a nice fellow. I felt so badly for him, even I kissed him, hoping my kingship still counted. Apparently it does not.”

“Really, you kissed him?”

“Yes, twice, once on each cheek,” he added with a sure nod of his head not wishing to discuss just which cheeks he had kissed. She could find that out for herself. “I like him. I want this to happen for him so he can…well, go back to his original form.”

“I am not royal,” she said.

“Sookie, you are married to the king of the fae. That makes you queen of the fae.”

“How do you know that?” she asked.

“The frog told me,” he said gently. “He keeps time out in the wilds with Eric. Apparently Northman spends all of his waking hours skulking around in your woods as well.”

Something passed over her face. It was not desire…but it was something. “He says that Eric is out here so he can listen for the sound of our voice.   He says that Eric loves you.”

There was that look, again. It was pain that he saw there. So, she still cared for Eric. This was going to work…it was going to be spectacular! Here goes either plan X, Y, or Z!

“So, what plan does the frog have once he is turned back to his rightful fae form?” her voice was quiet.

“He is going to kill the never king, your husband.” Well, at least she looked intrigued. Maybe there was some bad girl left in her after all. After all, he had fucked her without so much as his ring on her finger. Or even the promise of one. Bad, bad, bad girl!

“Did the frog explain to you about how all this works? That in essence, I am spelled, as well.”

“Yes,” Bill nodded. “I know that you are under a spell. Your husband’s bodily fluids has made this happen to you. Once he is dead and you are no longer his to command, well…” and he just let that thought take over. He could see it there on her face. She could be rid of him and she could have Eric. Good thing she was going straight into Hell. Otherwise, he just might have to torture her for the fact that she still wanted Eric and not him.

“What do you get out of this?” she focused on him. “I have never known you to do somethin’ for nothin’.”

“Sookie,” his voice was still. “I am on a mission. I have the opportunity to right this wrong for a person,” he placed his hand over his heart, “for a person that I loved. I will be well on my way to getting my wings.”

“You went to Heaven?” and he could hear the doubt in her voice.

That hurt. That fucking hurt! He had always been a gentleman around her! And treated her Gran with respect! Tears threatened in his eyes. “I see you do not think so highly of me,” was all he could get out.

“You have lied to me on numerous occasions, Bill. What is one more. Let’s go check out the frog. If what you say is true, well, maybe I will owe you an apology. If you have lied to me, it is just going to get ugly.”

Keeping the tears going was the only way to help get his point, across. His Sookie had no idea just how ugly it was going to get.

Once they began their journey, there was really no time for small talk. Things began to shift around. Him, her, time, realities, paths…maybe all of it or maybe none of it. Just maybe because he wanted it so badly, he had caused all of this to happen. Now there was a pleasant thought. He willed this to be so. This was by his power and his might!

Yes, he could see it now, as they continued on. The Bon Temps final resting place for all those good folks who had lived out their usefulness, here; this place they had called home. This small piece of Louisiana that had survived because of them and despite them. A bone yard. All ended here. Unless, of course, you were vampire!

Yes, yes, yes! He could see it now, the faint glow of the portal. The head stones that wished for a peaceful final resting place that offered those still living refuge and hope…that their loved one had gone on to glory. None, he laughed, had carved on their stone asking for the depravities of Hell!

Sadly for Sookie, this place for her certainly represented death. And depravities. He hoped she was strong. Her uncle, he was sure, would be waiting for her.

How odd. There was singing. Bill could hear singing… 

“Do you know what forever looks like when you kill your own kith and kin?

Do you swallow the tears of forgiveness and wish for days that might have been?

Do you wander dreams and search for seams in time so that you might start again?

Under the same full moon, you do bloom and bond in the world of men.

As they approached, Bill had to chuckle. Evan was sitting on his tombstone. Most delightful. The frog had been the one singing. He may croak when he talked but he had a lovely singing voice.

Evan finished his song and then looked up at Sookie.

Returning his stare she said. “You need to shut the portal down,” she nodded with her head toward the round, shimmering light. “I believe that you have been enchanted. Being fae, you know that they can all sense that opening.”

“Yes,” the frog stood and bowed. “But I am going to destroy the never king with this portal and free you of his power so that you may be lover to my friend, Eric. My friends in this realm gather to watch my triumphant return.”

Sookie took a deep breath. “He really is out here, someplace. My Eric…”

“Only wishing for the sound of your voice,” the frog responded.

“What do I need to do?” she asked, kneeling down so that she was eye to eye with the frog. “I am not crowned as his queen.”

“I need to be kissed by a royal. You bear children for the never king. This makes you part of him. This makes you royal,” the frog said and with a smile and continued. “The spell shall be broken by the one who wished it upon me. Here is justice.”

Bill watched the portal. Looking up, he could see where it might take you to Fae. When he looked down, he saw the depths of Hell. “Kiss him,” he wanted to hiss. Things were starting to stir out in the woods. The open portal was drawing attention to itself.   His focus was now back on the two.

“The fae are starting to gather,” Bill said quietly.

“Those are my friends,” Evan replied. “They are casting the spell. To bind the false king.” Those in the woods began to sing:

“Heart to heart and breath to breath fire mates with ice

They walk this place and love their mate while all others moan and cry:

I have five toes, I have five toes,

Tis the new day and so it goes

They have been set free, they have been set free,

Woe to those that should have let the old ones be.”

Sookie looked around her.   There were eyes blinking out in the dark. “Yes,” her focus was now back on the frog. “I believe you.”

Carefully, Bill was inching closer. The portal was growing and would soon be directly above them and below them. Bill would shove them both into the pit if this did not happen fast enough.

Sookie picked up the frog. Holding him in both hands, she brought him to her lips as he began to sing:

Beneath a cold waxing crescent moon

Should I live to see the next full moon

I am without counsel, tis my doom.”

Sookie responded with:

“First breath of life, my Queen and King shall be

Their children walk as human that all can see

We are Thunder, Winds of Gold, and Wisdom Tree.

Evil fears us, all others shall be set free.”          

That was just odd. How did Sookie know the words? Bill was watching the two intently. Then was shocked when they both sang together:

“There are three moons now since here I came.

I am blessed for Wisdom now does reign.

I am fulfilled and we now all live without shame.”

“What the fuck?” Bill said out loud. And then in amazement he whispered “What the fuck?”   Sookie had that frog planted firmly in a kiss and she was work-i-n-g her mouth and was suck-i-n-g his tongue…and it was a long tongue, out of his mouth! Oh-h-h-h-h shit! And would you just look at what the frog was doing to her! Such a horrible display….of…well he was not just for real sure what he would call it…but they both deserved to be in Hell for that! And Sookie had said he had kinks! No one he knew deep Frenched a frog and looked like they wanted more!

Oh! Wait one! The frog was beginning to shimmer. There stood a nude male and his hands were all over Sookie as she was climbing all over him! Whoa! So Sookie really was royal…what the fuck! Time to step back and pull this all into focus. She would be an even bigger prize in Hell! She was fae royalty! He was golden! Forever!

“Well,” he smiled happily. “My friend Evan just might find out what it is like to be inside her at the rate those two are going at it. All though, I don’t think he will have the pleasure of listening to her scream his name. That portal is just about to where they are standing.”

Things were starting to heat up out there! Then Evan turned all the way around so Bill had the perfect view of his back side…!

“Oh unholy fucking shit…!” Bill was having a moment! And a deeply deranged one where he and the frog king were lovers! And he had kissed that! Hot damn! Would you just look at the backside of Evan! Damn! No wonder the never king had cursed him and the witch had did the hot and nasty with him! Who could compete with that! Why, not even…even…even…North…

“No,” Bill whimpered. “No, it is not possible…” he sobbed as the two entwined lovers had turned completely and now Sookie’s back was to him and coming up from her mouth was Northman!

Eric’s and Bill’s eyes met and held for a second. Eric smiled and then placed another searing kiss on Sookie’s lips and then he stepped away from her and there stood, in full regalia, the King of the Fae. And beside him was his Queen!

With Sookie on his arm, they began walking toward him. “Hello Bill,” Eric’s eyes held laughter of the unspeakable, disgusting dirty little secret sort. “I understand you get one free get out of jail card. Godric tells me that you only get the one. How nice of you to choose to spend your evening out of Hell with the Queen and King of the Fae. I do believe it was the first time I have ever truly enjoyed your company. And I have many more frog jokes. I just do not think we are going to be able to get through all of them.

Miss Molly…you remember her from HQ. She is my daughter and married to Samuel Da’vid.” Eric winked at him, again. “Yes, all this and Samuel’s money know how too. My Molly, she had tonight’s little adventure wired. Kissing my ass was captured from many different angles and will be airing on the vamp channel and in Fae for a long time to come. H-m-m-m, I shall speak to my maker and see what he has to say about it showing in Hell. But here on Earth, I have no idea how many hits it has already taken on YouTube.”

“Three hundred and fifty thousand hits, Father Eric,” Molly called and waved to them.

Sookie and Eric both looked at her and waved back.

“I believe Pamela has already had her favorite view blown up and posted in the mansion. That second kiss, she says you are all riled up with passion and wanting, just not willing, to get the job done. Kiss my ass and then maybe,” he winked at Bill, “desire something to do with your tongue.”

“I,” Bill was disgusted. “I would never! I, I kissed you in good faith…” he stuttered.

“Yes,” Eric winked at him, “you did, twice.”

“And…and Pamela? She really is not that fae’s concubine?”

“Oh,” Eric grinned, “Bill do not sound so disappointed. If it makes you feel any better, she really is pregnant. Seems vampire really is descended from fae. It is her husband’s job, and his name would be Wallace, to keep my oldest child in shoes and to help her dispose of the bodies. And to pay off that fucking black American Express Card every month. I am glad I am out of that business.”

“Is,” Bill sobbed, he was in information overload. “Is my momma’s home really a whorehouse?”

“Depends on who you ask,” Eric laughed out loud. “Besides being King of the Fae, I am known through out the world as Day Walker.   We rule the U.S. except for the thirteen original colonies, which is in the very capable hands of the King of New York.   The Republic of Texas, is still independent, as well.

Pam, Tara, Molly and a host of others can be found in your old home, which you kindly left to Sookie, bitching about having to prostitute themselves and take it in the ass for the cause. The cause being that I am a father and husband and my time is not to be wasted. They deal with the day-to-day bullshit. I deal with the final death. It is heartening, though, to know that those vampires that are left are capable of learning. All fear Pam. Tara is just as deadly, just like her maker. Just like her maker’s maker.”

Eric’s laughter filled the night. “But none are as deadly as my wife, my mate, my all.

If I may please, allow me to introduce HRM, Queen Sookie, of the Fae.   I am merely her royal consort and sex toy and father to her children,” he winked at Bill, again.

“So nice of you to stop by and visit,” was Sookie’s gentle voice. Then Bill’s finally dead self wanted to shit, itself! Before him stood…stood…something so horrible he had not even seen anyone like her in Hell!

“Sorry you did not get to meet the children. But it is past their bedtime. And all Hunter would understand is that you betrayed his momma and wanted to take her away from him and his brother and sister and his daddy and he would be very sad. I am not happy, as you can see, when someone makes my son sad. That is what you wanted to do, is it not Bill? Somethin’ about me taking your place in Hell.”

Eric licked his fangs. This thing that was Sookie did as well!

“Now,” Sookie began, the horribleness had fallen away and there she stood. “Godric tells us that this hell-mouth,” she motioned to it with her head, “is going to be closing.

Oh sure enough,” she grinned as she looked down into the pit. “Hey Eric, that’s Russell down there screaming ‘Bygones’!  Hey Russell,” she called and they both smiled and waved as the hell-mouth started to get just a tad smaller.

And then, Bill registered, weird really did happen. A group of Grandmas walked over with shotguns and were talking and cussing and started passing around shells filled with rock salt. Pump went the shotgun, then you heard the shot, then a scream. “Drag that one that goes by Lilith, out here,” Esther hooted “and I won’t shoot your ass…!” And then “Ka-blam!” followed by a piercing wail. “Does not mean that Sara won’t,” she laughed. “So move your ass.”

Sookie smiled and waved to the women and then her focus was back on Bill. “And Godric also said that you have to return to Hell the same way you came out. So we have declared this a parade route. There will be one or two fly-overs, I am sure.  Besides dragons, I just might have to put my bitch on a stick costume back on and buzz you, myself.

Tara is going to have one or two questions for you about some back taxes that she cannot locate. That girl does like to keep her bookkeeping in order. That last set of books that you did not closeout….well, she has been workin’ on those in her free time. Seems she has a bet with Chester…somethin’ about dragon riding time and his big assed espresso machine and does he know how to answer a phone. The NO vamps are wonderin’ if you took that money to pay for the pool. Lots of time off from the mansion is riding on this Bill. So this is important.

Now, I know from experience that you have lied, before. But, our oldest, Miss Pam, she figured out a way around that. Pamela is the darlin’ of her father-in-law, OI, the king of the dragons.   If you thought Eric spoiled her…and her husband spoiled her…” Sookie just shook her head and chuckled. “Her daddy-in-law is so pleased about the wife his boy has married and the grandbabies to be, also twins, by the way, a boy and a girl, that he is going to glamour you so you can only tell the truth.

There will be others that are goin’ to wish to chat with you as you make your way back down the golden road so that you can slither your way back into Hell the same way you slithered out.

And I do believe, that Em has well, left a fresh, perfectly round fae portal, for you.

Oh, but OI is inbound,” Sookie smiled at the smallest and most darling thing Bill had ever seen landed on Sookie’s two outstretched hands.

“He is beautiful,” Bill smiled.

“Tru dat,” the little dragon said with a snap of his claws as he circled his face. “Now, lets us sees what other mo’ fo’n truths and lies and suches lurkes in this cocksucker’s evils mouth.”

OI worked his charming ways on Bill. After the glamour, he turned to face the crowd, put his claw down his throat and gagged.

“My little mans,” Lafayette laughed, “he’s been studyin’s his Mr. Shakespeares. Did you see the might-tee fine ways he done rolled his eyes. Why, that was perfect plus and I has seens none prettier.”

Tara laughed along with the crowd. “My La La,” she patted his face, “seeing is believin’. I am likin’ these purple jewels you two are wearin’ tonight. I don’t think I’ve see these, before.”

“M-m-m-m-h-m-m-m, Missy Fineself T, that’s is cause you has nots.   My little mans, he dones traded some of my Ranger Cookies for a little times and a times from some tinkerbells private stocks of star dusts and suches. They done mixes it with some mornin’s dew the day the twins were born and fired it up and fashioned it in some blue moon beams and polished it in the light of the cold moon.”

“My La La, is there anyone OI does not know,” and leaning in she whispered in his ear, “or does not owe him a favor?”

Lafayette shook his head. “No Miss T. Yous just be carefuls. He has his charmin’s ways and he uses them as suches and to his great advantages. M-m-m-h-m-m-m. My little mans, he truly is La La in dragon form.

Now, looks like the floorshow is ‘bouts to starts. Truths from I am so fucked Billy boys lips. Good times.”

William T. Compton thought he was one dastardly fellow. Look at the audience he had. All waiting to hear what passed from his lips. After all, “I am the Ascending Supreme Spirit from Hell,” he announced proudly. “That is spelled H-E-L-L,” he said again for emphasis and “the King of Louisiana. I am of true royal blood and I shall rule here on Earth for I am the Ascending Supreme and Satan is my liege. However,” the grin covered his face, “I shall rule there someday, as well. Her fat ass will not know what happened.”

“Yes,” Pam snickered. “You are the ASS from Hell. We know that, Bill. You are also the ASS from Bon Temps and I would even go so far to say that your were the reigning ASS in New Orleans, as well.   And that once back in the pit, after that little statement, your ass…well…Godric says they are very creative in Hell.

We also know that Chaz was your grandsire and that bullshit he told you about being descended from William the Conqueror was just that, bullshit. His people were French peasants. When he was turned, he was a French peasant.

And Sookie’s purple clamshell and pearl have come home to them. Eric feeds the babies their puddin’ out of it. Hunter loves to take it outside and watch the sunlight filter through it.”

“What?” he took a step toward her. “No one knew that.”

“Oh fuck a duck,” Pam sighed, “he really believes that. So tell us, Bill, what else do you hold to be true and sacred.”

“I was a spy for the North during the war. That is why they spared my momma’s house.”

“Shocker,” Sookie rolled her eyes.

“I was fucking your great, great, also,” he smiled at Sookie and winked. “She owed me money and I took what I needed from her. She only fought me the first time. That is why your home still stands. I told them it was mine. And it would have been mine,” he pouted, “once I convinced her to sign it over to me and then I killed her off. I was landed gentry and your family was just poor dirt farmers. This was my right to do so.”

“Why Bill,” Eric clucked his tongue, “you rapist and little ego manic.”

“Like you have never taken a woman against her will,” Bill snorted.

Blue flames of The Realm streaked across the expanse and Bill was enveloped as his screams tore through the night.   The flames continued to incase him as Sookie walked toward him, the energy flowing from her and expanding like the increasing rage that she was feeling. When she was standing in front of Bill the flames stopped and she said, “Eric, would you care to address that?”

“Certainly,” he was seething, “I do not deny that I have raped my enemies. Male and female alike.  This was the way of my time.

But if I desired sex, to take a woman against her will; free or slave…never,” he hissed.   “If she did not desire me, I moved on.”

There were still blue sparks shooting out of Sookie’s eyes as she silently regarded the vile creature before her. “I asked OI if he thought it was possible to gift you with the Living Death. He does not know, but he is willing to give it a try. But you know what,” she chuckled, “we learned our lesson about revenge. It can consume you and I don’t have time to spend one second of my thoughts on you. I think you just need to be enjoyed in Hell.

Next round of questions,” Sookie turned and smiled at the crowd as she walked back toward Eric.

Bill was in pain! There was no denying what had coursed through him while he was lit up. And this was not what was done to him in Hell. This was different. The underlying sweetness was a former reminder of something. And it burned, both his body and his thoughts!

He hated her! He hated that he could not lie his way out of this. He hated that he could only move forward no matter how much he tried to exert his will.   And most of all, he hated Eric. Because Eric had what should have been his.

“My big mans,” OI was watching the drama unfold on the shoulder of his big man. “You gots any longin’s in your minds you needs answers, too. I know from time to times, you wonders ‘bouts The Blonde Bombshell.”

“Oh, Miss Monroe,” Bill smiled and he had Lafayette’s full attention. “She was a tasty treat. A little used but draining her was sublime.”

OI and Lafayette both drew back in horror. “Youuuuuuuuuuu,” came out of both of their mouths in disgust!

“I also arranged to have Kennedy killed. She honestly preferred him over me. Just how wrong is that.”

“I did not see that one comin’,” Pam said as she eyed the ASS that was walking the road back to Hell in monkey socks.

“And I don’t know how many times I tried to have Eric brought the final death.   I lost count. It got to a point that I was stealing so I could pay an assassin.”

“Saw that comin’,” Pam chuckled. “Damn, I loved killin’ off those guys. Finally got to a point where dickhead could no longer afford vampires and he started hirin’ humans,” Pam snickered. “Not as much fun but far more satisfyin’ and my gators loved me.”

“What I don’t know,” Tara stepped up and wiggled her eyebrows at Chester, and then addressed Bill “is where is the tax money?”

“Tax money? I don’t know,” Bill shrugged his shoulders. “How much is missing?”

“Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Not a lot, but I took a look at the pool bill. It comes in at around that amount.”

“No, to put in the pool, that was money I found on a dead vampire. He was still alive, just barely. He met the true death a few minutes, later.”

“Oh-h, eeeuuuu,” Tara said. “Really, you rob the dead?”

Bill rolled his eyes.   “Of course not.   Jimmy Boy was not dead when I robbed him. I finished him off after I robbed him.”

“Oh,” Pam stepped back in and re-engaged. “You fucker. That was Jimmy Boy you killed…that was my new car money he owed me.”

“Opps,” Bill smiled.

“Opps is right,” she hissed. “Why I am going….” and then she laughed. “Well, seein’ as how you are already in Hell and all…” and then she chuckled wickedly. “Put some different  monkey socks on this boy.   Where are the ones The Queen of the Fae were wearin’, earlier?”

There was a party going on along the road. Bill could see it. Fae…of all types and descriptions. It was all true. Eric and Sookie….king and queen of the fae. What a fucked up world. He would rather be in Hell.

So here he was, walking the golden road back to…well…save that for later…he thought for sure he would be the center of their attention! That this would be his one last chance to stand tall and be noticed! He expected to be laughed at and jeered or the object of their abuse.  Instead, and things just kept getting weirder, everyone was wearing monkey socks and drinking.   Apparently the good stuff. Something called Death from Above and it was something to be cherished.

Being discussed were everyday events and many were making eyes at Chester and Tara who were floating above the road on the back of a very large dragon. Apparently Tara had a bottle of something and was pouring shots. Apparently no one had ever poured shots of Death from Above from a dragon, before. Or poured shots of anything from the back of a dragon. She was getting all kinds of cheers and whistles.

Bill found himself listening to the extremely large male fae that she sat in front of. “The small princess,” Bill heard a great deal of respect every time he referred to Tara, “is exceptional with a sword. Never have I trained one with such grace or finesse. Truly, she is the grand child of our king.”

That is when Bill knew…this was not about him. They did not care about him. This was a celebration! This was about the fae living their day-to-day lives and it was glorious! There were often references to their great good and kind queen Sookie and their good and just king Eric. How blessed they were that their world was now back in balance. That harmony and beauty once more walked with them because of their good king and queen. He heard snippets of war stories, about a land that was so lost and dissolute, that old warriors squared off and ended themselves on a true field of battle, rather than cause any more damage to the barren and stricken land they loved. Not unlike the civil war that he had battled in, brother against brother. But this had gone on for thousands of years.

Eric had been a part of helping to right this terrible wrong? And Sookie as well? Simple, poor, Sookie! All of this was wrong!   Maybe Eric, in some perverted world was capable of somehow helping to fix this…but Sookie….? No!

Smelling the dragon shit, he knew his walk was just about over. He was being returned to Hell through the portal from which he had emerged. This time he was going to keep his mouth, closed.

He watched as Eric walked out to him. “Come to say your good-byes?” Bill asked as all along the road became quiet.

“Yes,” Eric responded. “And to tell you the truth. The truth that the old fallen in the pit already know and will cherish you all the more because now you know.

In the beginning, when the earth was still new, there were magics created to take care of this planet. To over see its growth and manage its mountains and the deepest of oceans. God created them, by twos, to care for and be the caretakers of this place.

The original fae, or the old magics or the old ones, the fae call them.   They go by many names. But there are two names that are held through out time and space. That of Sookie and her Evan.”

A light went off in Bill’s eyes and Eric saw the beginning of hell take form in his mind. Good, so he understood that lie was not going back into the pit with him.

“Evan is the fae name for Eric. Sookie was mine, from the very beginning, Bill. You were her first,” he chuckled and shook his head no. “This planet had not even cooled the first time we danced in each other’s arms. We both remember being each other’s first. Nothing,” he smiled, the blue lights dancing in his eyes, “compares to that.”

“No,” Bill yelled and then, “no, no, no, no, no!” he screamed. He was still screaming as he was sucked back down into the portal. Squeezed into dragon shit the size of a softball, his screams of “no” sounding until they became muffled. And his eyes, the last thing his eyes saw was Eric standing in a pair of monkey socks and his mouth was full of dragon shit as he felt his head being squeezed together and the dragon filth being pushed into every crevice of his head.

This must be plan Z…Ooooooooo la la…zeeee good



The mo’ fo’n big assed grill was going and the smell of Were wafted around on the breeze. There were Fae, everywhere.

“Hunter’s up,” Sookie smiled. “And he has gone to get his brother and sister.”

“They shall be here shortly,” Eric smiled.

“Yes, Mr. Independence and his little red wagon,” Sookie chuckled.    They both grinned at each other.

“Just wait until Finton shows up,” Eric could not suppress the small laugh.

“Oh,” Sookie chuckled right along with her husband, “I have no doubt our oldest will figure out a way to fit that boy and his tree along with his brother and sister in that little red wagon, as well.”

“Don’t forget his cat,” Eric’s grin got bigger.

“And a lot of dragons in that tree,” Sookie laughed.

Sure enough, at the kitchen door stood Hunter with his baby brother and sister along with Lion and some pillows in his wagon. Andy was walking along beside it and the babies were both holding onto him and jabbering away. Andy answered back with an occasional “Ooo,”.

There were squeals of delight when Eric stood up and came to get them.

“My Son,” he picked up Hunter and hugged him. “I see you are awake.”

“I smelled food,” he grinned. “And then my tummy rumbled. And then I went to check on the babies and they woke up.”

“Give me those babies,” Grandma Esther and Deborah said as they swooped in. “Mr. Hunter, just as soon as your Momma and Daddy get their kisses, we are wantin’ ours.”

“Yes Grandmas, I’ll be right there.”

“You need some help fixin’ a plate?” Sookie asked him as she took him from Eric.

“No Momma. Looks like my Grandmas are fixin’ one for me. They are wavin’ me on over.”

“Well, that is just fine then. You go eat and collect your kisses. When you get sleepy, let me know and I’ll tuck you back in.”

“Okay,” he smiled as she set him down and off he went. Talking to everyone and admiring everything.

“That boy is fearless,” she said in wonder to Eric.

“Just like his Momma,” his hand stroked her face.

Maxine was in a state! “Hugh,” she said as she cut the coconut cream pie and passed it out. “Compton was a yellow-bellied traitor! And we had him speak at a Glorious Dead Meetin’. Well I never!” she stomped her foot and fussed with the next pie that she started to cut. “How do I explain that? I cannot with a clear conscience even consider goin’ to another meetin’. I welcomed his traitor ass in and all!”

“My angel,” he smiled at her. “All sorts of liars walk this realm. Why, everyday when I see a human client, I am always pleasantly surprised when they tell me the smallest snippet of truth. I just expect them to lie to me.”

“Oh-h-h, darlin’,” she stopped and looked at him. “I am so sorry. I just never did consider that aspect of you earnin’ a livin’ and supportin’ us the way you do.”

“My precious one,” he kissed the tip of his finger and ran it against her nose. “I knew this when I decided to become a lawyer. It was a choice I made. That daily I would surround myself with liars and thieves and murderers. You know how much I enjoyed my job at the law firm in the Twin Cities,” he wiggled his eyebrows at her. “I enjoyed eating assholes right along with my morning coffee.

And then you came into my life,” he smiled. “And all I wanted was to settle down and know the joy and love of having you as my bride.”

“You do have a way about you,” she winked at him.

“Well yes,” he blew her a tiny kiss. “And just as soon as we get home, I will show you what that is.”

OI was dabbing at his eyes. “My big mans,” he sniffled, “I had no ideas that low-down mo fo’n cocksukin’ Compton drained our Miss Monroe. I…I thinks my hearts is breakin’.   As sads and scaries as her life was there at the ends, then…to have that….that….” he dabbed at his eyes as the tears ran down his face.   “And…and he could have fixeds hers…glamoured hers and told hers how beautifuls and perfects her blondeness was…that she dids not need no mans or alcohol or drugs…she just neededs to believe in herself…”

Lafayette poured them both another shot of The Death as he cleared his throat and wiped his eyes. “Truer words, my little mans, truer words. To our god-dess, his La La-ness says.   To our Blonde Bombshell!”


Bill found himself sucked through the portal and in the subservient position before Satan.

“You know what showed up in Hell, King Bill,” she asked sweetly, “beside your head filled with dragon shit? Monkey socks. Lots of pairs of monkey socks. Why, enough for all the upper echelon. And my minions, and I will include myself as well, well, we were all pleased as punch that somehow you had brought back monkey socks for us. And not just any monkey socks, but ones that smelled of fae and even still had a little blue sparkle on them.  They were still warm, King Bill, from the fae that had worn them and they smelled…mouth watering.

And so we did what you are suppose to do with socks. Especially ones that smell so dainty and satisfying. We put them on.

And then do you know what happened?” Standing, she began screaming, “They fucking control us! From time to time we all stand and…and…”

They all formed a Conga line and began dancing. Twirling and leaping and occasionally doing The Bump.

Bill was enjoying himself on the dance floor and was a bit flabbergasted when he felt himself thrown back into the subservient position!

“And then when it stops,” she seethed, “we are right back where we were before it started. And these socks, why I have tried chewing them off my own feet, but to no success. Now I am going to try chewing them off of yours.”

“Just sucks to be you,” Bill smiled. “My feet went through dragon shit. Enjoy that tasty treat, bitch.”

“What?” she screeched.

“Really? Can your fat ass get down here and chew them off of me? Then can you get back up? And as long as you chew on my feet I won’t have to see your butt ugly face. And dragon shit smells sweeter than your breath. Come on down here and entertain King Bill. ‘Ole Nub will give you the ride of your fucked up life.”

King William T. Compton had a new name in Hell. He was now called, He Who Can Not Lie. Sometimes, he was just called Butt Monkey. He was a constant source of amusement, not all of it pleasant, monkey socks and all.

There were many lessons learned amongst the denizens of Hell after Butt Monkey’s Big Adventure. Like maybe asking for a pass back to Earth one night a year was not such a good idea. Who knew there was going to be dragon shit? “I mean, who fucking knew?” They would all ask themselves that from time to time. Plus, you could come back telling only the truth. And you could see how well that was working out for Butt Monkey! And from time to time, those with the cursed monkey socks all just hooted and hollered and danced! Very embarrassing moments for the higher ups!

And then there was the smell…since Butt Monkey’s Big Adventure the place also now smelled of dragon most foul!

He Who Can Not Lie brought back a whole headful of dragon shit which did stink even in Hell. And in this dragon shit was preserved the entire evening of what Bill had seen, been, heard.   Out of his eyes came what he had experienced in living color. From his mouth what he had heard in stereo. King Bill was truly what you could call living surround sound and he projected on the wall more than HD quality film when someone asked to see his big adventure. And as nasty as he smelled, they all enjoyed the scene when, with passion, he kissed Eric’s ass, twice.

Good times!