The characters of the Southern Vampire Mysteries belong to Miss Charlaine Harris. No infringement on my part is intended. The characters on True Blood belong to Mr. Alan Ball. No infringement on my part is intended.
I have no BETA, editor, or other such charming person. All mistakes are my own.
This story is rated M
“Where are we headed?” Samuel asked, looking around at the group. “It is going to look a mite bit odd if five vampires walk into a Were bar.”
“Reminds me of that joke,” Cedric laughed quietly. “The one where five Weres walk into a vampire bar and order fried mountain oysters with catsup.”
“Yes,” Eric chuckled, “the vampire rips their balls off and says, Sorry, we are all out of catsup.”
Madame Vedo arched an eyebrow at them as all the males chuckled.
“Sorry Madame,” Samuel bowed his head, his voice sad. “It is a lowly, Neanderthal, masculine thing. Let me apologize for this group of male miscreants. I fear, our most talented and righteous lady, you are out with the worst of the lot that the vampire community has to offer.”
“No kidding,” she shook her head. “If you four have this, I do have stitching that I could be doing.”
“Allow us to see you home,” Eric replied. “Weres with vamp blood is never a good thing. High on blood, rowdy, and stupid best describes them. They get a taste for it and they start doing foolish things, like looking for more of what got them high in the first place.”
“And Madame Vedo,” Samuel said with concern in his voice, “you do live alone.”
“Yes,” she patted his hand in a motherly way, “that is true, but in my personal quarters I have a liberal dusting of wolfsbane for just such an occasion. This would not be the first time a Were thought I was low hanging fruit. Hopefully it will not be the last,” she said with a small smile.
Those males standing there with her all smiled.
Eric’s grin was the biggest. Vedo was known to keep a notebook of how many Weres had thought to ferret her out during the day. There was a listing of times, dates, places, others bits of pertinent information, maybe a sketch or two.
He knew she especially found it helpful whether or not it was a full moon or another special Were event when they came looking for her.
Vedo had told him that apparently they had a butt-sniffing day that rolled around every five years that they held sacred and they all got a bit feisty when they weighed their balls once a year to see who had the biggest.
Eric always thought she was gathering all this information to write and publish a paper. Once he had asked her why she tracked all of it and she had just shrugged and replied. I believe their animal mind is just a reflection of their human mind. That there is not much going on there. So I keep numbers.
“Weres do prefer what they see as an easy meal. I guess it can get no easier when you can order vamp off the menu,” Cedric observed. “And would you like that with chips and a Guinness?”
Vedo nodded her head. “Disgusting but true. Weres are all about an easy meal. So why roam the streets looking for a vampire blood high when you know where there is a sure thing? Perhaps more than one and if you are running with a pack animal mentality thinks they can take on a group of vampires.
In was interesting,” she looked around the group, “that they referenced Wion as Packmaster. Is that a legitimate title? And if so, oh king of British Isle, just how loyal are the Weres that work for you?”
“Were shit…!” Eric hissed. “Ian’s residence!”
Vamp speed, they were all gone!
When they entered the compound of the king of British Isle, it was very quiet. As in exceedingly quiet. The fact that there was a dragon spread out on top of Ian’s roof, completely covering it, with his head resting on the ground with his purple eyes shooting out sparks, might have had something to do with that.
“O.I., o’ great winged warrior. Greetings and salutations this fine and glorious dark. I see you have combat command of the entire area. What have you seen that caused you to sound the alarm?” Samuel called out as they approached.
Purple sparks in his eyes gave way to a big toothy grin. “We was comin’ on home, toastin’ the just marrieds and also raisin’ a glass to our Miss Sookie and her Mr. Eric,” O.I.’s voice was most earnest as he nodded at Eric. “Just mindin’ our own business and all of us congratulation each other on how we had fixed a nice plate of tasties to share on the ride home,” he was nodding his head at the memory. “Miss Sookie being particularly found of those stuffed mushrooms, she had fixed two plates of those and I was helpin’ her out by eatin’ my portion of the tasty delights.
Well, we are sharin’ and laughin’ and relaxin’ in each other’s very fine company when lo and behold, in this busy street comes these dumb ass Weres ridin’ on skate boards, smellin’ of vampire and weavin’ in and out of traffic and bangin’ on windows and demandin’ to know if there was a vampire in the auto they were defacing with their poor hygiene habits.
They were harassing the folks on the sidewalks, shopkeepers and just being rude, a safety hazard and scarin’ all those good folks that were bein’ law abidin’ citizens.
One thing I cannot abides,” O.I. snorted with smoke coming out his nose. “Is the strong abusin’ and cussin’ the weak. So these low life Weres came howlin’ up to our windows and I rolled mine down and told them to round up their brothers and I would meet them here. I had hoped to have had this finished up before you got home,” he said sadly. “Now I will have to share in the story tellin and braggin’ rights,’” he sighed.
“Swords are in the library,” Ian grinned. “To arms!”
O.I. watched as the vampires disappeared into the manor and then his attention returned to the surrounding area. “Hopes they bring all those evil mo’ fo’ers. Yes, hopes they bring everyone so we can gets on to a Joyeux Noël!”
Tiny Slim and No Jaw were uncomfortably lounging in an alley waiting…pissing against a wall and waiting….and waiting….
“Oh,” Tiny Slim panted, clutching his stomach. “There it is. The tell-tale gurgle of the gut,” he moaned as he pulled down his pants and squatted. “Bloody hell, I am hoping this is the last of Compton and his bitch maker! My ass is raw! I greased up before I left the house. The wife wanting to know who I was runnin’ with tonight and was he so big I needed the jelly?”
“Can’t drink beer with vamp,” No Jaw dropped his pants and squatted beside him. “My daddy told me that. Stick with whiskey. Otherwise, you will have the runs until the next moon turns full.”
“Are you bloody hell kidding me?” Slim yelped. “I am going to shit water and vamp until Winter Solstice?”
“Seems to be the way with the American vampires. They might be easy going down but they are the banging shits going out,” he gasped as exploding diarrhea shot out from behind him and splattered the alley way wall.
They both turned when they caught the whiff of another Were.
“There squats me grannies,” Leroy laughed as he entered the alley way and then backed out, making a gagging sound. “You two make my eyes water,” he said, waving his hand in front of his face. “Are we going to that vampire residence and kill the fangbangers and rob the fuckers? Yes or no? I could smell the female inside the limo. American. Fresh. She’s in heat. Love to fuck her and then eat her. Those wealthy ones have tastier and more tender meat.”
“Where,” Slim grunted, as his insides continued to explode, “is everyone else?”
“Clancy, Harvey, Fat Ass, Whipped and Tire Tracks have dumped their loads farther down the street. They say they are ready to go and figure they have maybe an hour before the next round of shit-the-vampire takes them to an unpleasant place.”
“We checkin’ in with anyone?” No Jaw asked. “You know how Annie gets. She wants all gossip and fast hits first. Gets you a free meal if she likes what she hears. A little extra money if she gets first shot at the goods.”
“Hell no!” Leroy shot back. “We don’t need her permission. We don’t need anyone’s permission. We are vamp feed Weres. Who the fuck can tell us yea or nay?”
“Stupid shittin’ fuckers,” Clancy, the self-proclaimed leader of tonight’s tête-à-tête stuck his head around the corner. “Not much chance of missing where you two decided to dump a load. My eyes are watering and Leroy is chatting you up like he wants to wallow around in that stuff. If we are going to hit the royal residence, smear some more jelly on your ass and get it in gear.
I have heard rumors that when that place locks down for the day, those that guard it have standing orders to shoot to kill. So we either hit it now or just jerk off while we brag about how we were going to hit it.”
“What royals?” No Jaw asked.
“Vamper royal,” Leroy had unzipped and was writing his name on the ground with his piss.
“What?” No Jaw rubbed his ass against the wall and pulled up his pants.
“The guy in the car with the purple contacts,” Leroy was looking at his erstwhile partner in crime with something that did not resemble respect. “He said to show up at Clotild’s Cloisters. That is the British Isle’s vampire king’s home. Where the fuck have you been?”
“Really, we could eat the vampire king of British Isle?” No Jaw giggled. “I mean, there are seven of us and only one of him. Big burly guards with bullets don’t mean anything. We run and ride on the power of a vamp burger with a side of chips! Hell, I wonder if those two vampires could fly? And if so, can we fly?”
“Only one way to find out,” Leroy nodded with authority. “Climb up there to that third story roof and jump off.”
“Can do,” No Jaw laughed as he bounded up the wall with his skateboard. Positioning himself on top of his righteous ride, with a howl he launched himself out into the night and into the street.
“Well fuck,” Leroy noted when No Jaw hit the pavement, head first, cracking his skull open, his brains spilling out. “Looks like that is a no to the flying!”
“Do we eat him or leave him?” Slim asked. “And who gets his skateboard?”
“We are running out of night,” Leroy shook his head as he observed the stars and then tasted the night air. “Leave him for the ravens or the police. I don’t care who gets to him first. If you want his ride, grab it. Let’s eat us a royal and his blood bags!”
With a chorus of howls and the sound of skateboard wheels, they were gone!
The cry To War! Had been sound. Swords belts with swords now clanked against chain mail. And against everyone’s better judgment, they had knocked at Scully’s and Adele’s door.
Ian explained the situation and Sir Scully had only said. “I will get dressed and meet you of the rooftop. My bride sleeps and it is my duty and my pleasure to help to provide for her this safe haven.”
Ian, Cedric, Samuel, Eric, and Scully were waiting on the roof with O.I.
“Lafayette still sleeping?” Eric asked the dragon that was now a sixty-pound dog size bringer of death.
“Yes,” O.I. nodded. “I would not insults him or interrupt his beauty sleeps to watch these low-life animals be brought to dragon justice.”
“Ah-h-h-h,” Cedric began. “O’ King of the Dragons, you do plan on a’leavin’ some for me boyos and myself to dispatch?”
“Not if I gets my mighty fine self there first,” he chuckled.
“So not fair,” Ian glowered at the dragon. “This is my home, by rights is mine to defend!”
O.I. drew himself up. “Brother Ian! Yous did not suffer their insults, bared teeth and asses and just all rounds bad and vicious manners. Last time someone spoke around a lady like that in front of me, you coulds not even find their ashes. I was flame on and I was righteous and it was all good!
These bastards! They insulted two ladies!” he stressed, fire escaping with each word, “And my big mans! I have never born such insults for this long! We shall have us some dragon justice!”
“I can hear them,” Scully said, tilting his head to one side. “And it sounds like little wheels?” You could hear the question and hesitation in his voice.
“Skate boards,” O.I. rolled his eyes. “They is too goods to shift and run as wolf so they just hang on to the human and ride skate boards. Gives them humans with the talent and the desire to ride a bad name. These mo’ fo’ers, I am deeply and abundantly embarrassed for them. Not to mention, I am gonna’ flame their asses which makes me deeply and abundantly not embarrassed for me.”
“Sounds like about fifteen of them,” Samuel said, now turning West towards the noise. “I do believe they think they are going to surround us.”
“I have told the guards to stand down,” Ian said looking up from his phone. “They have all retreated to the guard house. I explained to my captain and he understands, perfectly. Stay put and stay safe.”
“To arms,” Eric grinned. “And take no prisoners.”
The Pretty Pink Bicycle shuttered their doors just as the sun came up. The last Supernaturals paid out, tipped their hat to those were in line behind them, and went out to greet a new day.
Annie was still closing out the till and waiting for her robbers and thieves and perhaps murderers to return and bring her their bounty. Hopefully, they had done well. She needed some ready cash and a couple of new handbags. They knew the name brands that she liked and if they were stuffed with personal belongings and credit cards, so much the better. For her gang of ne’re-do-wells, she made it easy for them to dispose of the merchandise. She paid top money for stolen goods and treated everyone fairly. There was no skimming in her establishment. Fair and even and everyone got a share of the take. From the lookout to the distractor to the actual perp that committed the crime. She did not play favorites and she knew it takes team effort to score the big stuff. She preached it and did not take any sass for her beliefs or pay out system.
There was a message that just pinged on her phone. Reading it, she went to the back door and opened it.
“Have you seen the news?” Wion asked as he stepped inside.
“No,” she shook her head as she headed back to her desk. “I run a business. I have no time for lolly-gagging, eating of chocolate bon bons or the news,” she glared at him as she picked up more receipts.
Wion pulled up a chair opposite her and opened his phone and hit the SKY app.
“Holy mother of God,” she moaned as she watched the skate boarders weave in and out of traffic. Sometimes dropping trousers and mooning the driver or hitting him with the full on frontal baby elephant shot!
“I wondered if they were your boys?” he grinned.
“Do not,” she growled at him, “shovel your righteous bullshit at me. My grandfather took you in when you were starving and without sponsorship. Your family had not even allowed you to suck hind tit! My family taught you a trade and opened doors for you to walk through.”
“All true, Packmaster,” he nodded in agreement. “Every word you say. That is why I thought you should know about your Hell on Wheels,” he said as he walked over to the sideboard, picked up a glass and poured himself a whisky. “I swore fealty to your family and that oath still stands.”
Bringing the bottle with him, he sat back down. Both sat staring at each other. Annie wondering just how far that oath stood as her hand ran across the pistol in her apron pocket.
Wion could never hold a stare. He still could not as he looked away first. Most excellent, that round went to her.
“Have they checked back in?” he downed his drink and poured another.
“No,” she sighed. “I was staying here, thinking someone would stop by or call. Flat Tire normally would have by now. I was hoping the night was so rich, they had problems transporting all of it back here. But maybe not,” she motioned to his phone with her head. “Maybe the police picked them up.”
“Well,” he downed that drink and poured another. “The police picked up one. Ramsey Lilt, AKA No Jaw. Bus driver saw him and stopped before he hit the body. Looks like the boy jumped from a neighboring building. Broke his neck when he hit, cracked open his head, brains on the pavement. Ugly bit of a mess to clean up. They will have to bring in the fire engine. I have seen that before. For all your high and mightiness, or lower than Were shit ways, you end up being washed down the culvert and out into the Thames.”
“Damn,” she wiped her eyes.
Her phone rang. “It’s my sister,” she said checking the caller I.D. as the tears started to fall. “I guess the police have made contact with her. Damn stupid nephew!”
“I guess so,” he said, nodding. “I will take the bottle to help ease my pain as the bringer of such bad tidings and leave you to your sorrow.” Tipping his hat, he was up and out the door.
Listening, he heard the car pull up out front. Police, he was sure. Who else came calling so early in the morning? Deliveries always came in a lorry around to the back. This, he heard two car doors close. This was official business. Time to officially be somewhere else!
“So just what kind of excitement did we miss last night?” Sookie asked as she poured herself a cup of coffee and wiggled her eyebrows when she saw the tray of bacon.
“From the sounds of things,” Lafayette arched an eyebrow at his little man. “Lots of big assed, Were wolf non howling kinds of excitements! There was killin’ with big assed swords, kings of all kinds hackin’ and slashin’ and dancin’ around and my little man, he was on fire for sure!”
“Scully told me he killed two,” Gran said with a sure nod of her head. “As was his right as the head of the household.”
O.I. nodded in agreement. “Sir Scully did a right proud job of accountin’ for himself, Lady Adele. He saw to it that you were rightly and justly honored. Your good man said any who thought to hurt his family would die a righteous and painful death. And so they did,” O.I. nodded as he helped himself to the selection of chocolate breads. “And Miss Sookie, I gots to tell you, Mr. Erics, when the berserker rage hits him, tis as bad as a dragon!” He gloated. “For a moment I thought there was two of me!” Laughing out loud, he continued with his story. “While I watched him I didn’ts know if I should applauds our wit, good looks and killin’ skills or just be scared and hides under the bed!” He said with a grin and a wiggle of his eyebrows as he put a piece of apple fritter on his plate. “Our good boys, they was all somethin’ to behold,” he put his plate down and placed both hands over his heart. “Defendin’ the weak from the nasty-assed! I am prouds to say I stood with them!”
“My little mans, what did you do with the bodies?” Lafayette asked as he added the whip cream to his hot chocolate. “I knows you would not leave King Ian’s gardens in an unsightly mess.”
O.I. noted the footed bowl of whipped cream with great interest. In went the tip of his tail, a great and goodly amount landed there on his chocolate loaf where he sculpted a likeness of Lafayette with just a couple of flicks of his tail.
Everyone applauded and O.I. blushed a bit and took a bow before he continued.
“We rounded up what bits was left, I hit it with my flame and they is all explainin’ their no-goodin’, bad ass’n Were selves to God,” he said with a grand bow and eyeing the pumpkin pancakes, placed those on his plate as well.
“Mm-m-m. Maple syrups on the bacon and pancakes and this most delightful apple fritter. Gots my chocolates breads with my big mans adornin’ it and Irish butter on the side. A little whisky from the Isle of Sky is in the jar-o. Tis a good day! I feel a toast to rightness comin’ on and a death wish to all those who wants to do evil. May their mo fo’n days be numbered!
On to a Joyeux Noël!” O.I. said with gusto.
“Hear! Hear!” the group cheered as Lady Adele played the tea mum and poured everyone a cup to start their day out right!
“So what does the new day bring?” Sookie asked as she sipped her tea and contemplated on how to eat the toad in the hole. “Egg first or sausage?” she looked out at the crowd.
“Be a true Englisher and load a bite of sausage and then toast then egg,” Adele said as she buttered her dark fruitcake.
“We is doin’ mannys and peddys,” O.I. replied as he lifted his claws for all to see. “Lordies, I was just blowin’ fire but would you look at what the heat has done and done.”
“We is fixin’ that after breakfast,” Lafayette nodded. “Plus, my little mans and me we have been talkin’. We are both Supernaturals, we could do a quick pint at the Pretty Pink Bicycle. Get the low down and the Scooby Doo. Report back.”
“Seriously?” Sookie’s voice went up an octave. “Do you see this Crazy Sookie face I am wearin’? Wion could be there and on some level Lafayette, he could recognize you and register it as not being right. Like what is Louisiana doin’ in London?”
Her voice dropped a bit. “Now I know O.I. would not let anythin’ happen to you, but I think would be for the best that there are no dragon sightings over London, today. Let’s save that for later.”
Looking over her tea cup, Gran grinned. “I understand that there are plans afoot for setting London on its ear this Joyeux Noël. Courtesy of our good and mighty king of the dragons.”
Said king fluttered his eyelashes and blew her a kiss. “Tis true, Lady Adele. I has been workin’ on my Shakespeare and my big man and me’s we shall be treadin’ the boards!”
“What are we doing tonight?” Adele asked.
“Not for real sure,” Sookie said. “I was asleep when Eric finished up. So I am having a nap this afternoon. Just to be prepared.”
“Most excellent,” Gran nodded. “Vampire hours and jet leg is about to catch up with me.”
“Seriously,” Sookie yawned then looked at Lafayette. “Look, I can tell that you two are goin’ go to the pub while we are nappin’. Lafayette, I know you wish O.I. would have waked you so you could have braggin’ rights also. And I also know that you have talked him into goin’ out later today. I suspect, in reality, that was not much talkin’ involved with that. Just a bunch of high fifin’ and discussin’ what to wear. Just please be careful.”
“We will,” Lafayette patted her hand. “Believe me Miss Sooks, I would not be doin’ this on my own. These are some of the baddest of the bad. But I think we needs an accurate account of any and all gossip pertainin’ to last night.”
“Last night, sir?” Clifford said sticking his head in. “I was wondering if you had seen the news pertaining to the Weres frolicking in the street last night? If not, then you should. The telly is on in the television room.”
“Oh,” Sookie stood up and refilled her coffee cup, “the television room. Damn, I love a house big enough for the TV to have its own room.”
“Much to be said for that,” Lafayette agreed. “I am pourin’ up some more hot chocolates.” Then he eyed the vodka bottle and added a splash of that. “Let’s go and see if we made the news.”
When they settled in, the debacle that was last nights Were folly was on. Traffic cam view, helicopter view, video feeds from cell phones.
“Would you look at that?” Gran was shaking her head, the disapproval on her face. “Those fools tied up all the major arteries in London. Good grief. They are riding in front of that ambulance and keeping them from getting that pour soul to the hospital.
Oh-h-h-h,” Adele shook her head, sadness in her voice, listening to the news commentator. “The man in the ambulance, he died, because they were stuck there because of those fools.”
“God bless the British police officers for not carrying guns,” Sookie was shaking her head. “But there are times, when a well placed bullet says things that polite and civilized words, actions, or deeds cannot.”
“Amen,” Lafayette nodded.
“Well,” Sookie eyed the two wanna be Supernatural spies. “I feel better about you two goin’. You just be super extra careful.”
“Will do Miss Sooks,” Lafayette nodded his head. “We will be extra special careful.”
“Unless we needs to burn that mo fo’n place down,” O.I. replied sipping his rum and hot chocolate. “Then I can makes like Mr. Eric. Starts the great fire and end this Were nonsense.”