The characters of the Southern Vampire Mysteries belong to Miss Charlaine Harris. No infringement on my part is intended. The characters on True Blood belong to Mr. Alan Ball. No infringement on my part is intended.
I have no BETA, editor, or other such charming person. All mistakes are my own.
This story is rated M.
My Wicked Ways
I make deals with demons, devils and my dry cleaners…
“Pam, sorry to interrupt,” Sookie’s voice was a whisper, “but I don’t think they had dry cleaners during the time of fairy tales.”
“Well fuck,” she looked thoughtful. “But I do make deals with him…some of my best ones…you would not believe the stains Sammy is capable of taking out of my clothes.”
“Oh-h-h, that’s good to know, especially when Baby Signy starts spittin’ up and all. I’ll need that address. But for right now…,” Sookie gave her a bright smile.
I make deals with the demons, devils, and my cleaning ladies. They keep my home and clothes spanky sparklin’ fresh and tidy and in return for a job well done, I don’t eat them. I have eaten my cook, so they know I am capable of this and they keep my buttons sewed on and my shoe closet well-organized.
My home is nice enough. Large and square lookin’ in an old-fashioned castle kind of way. It is not the smallest home in my part of the enchanted forest, but then again, nor is it the largest.
From time to time I venture into town and I see that great big castle highlighted by the moon and I think to myself, self, it is time that we move on up and out.
Now, I’ve got the time to make this happen. My tits still sit up high and tight, you can bounce a gold piece off my ass and my girly parts will suck you in and keep you there until I can work my magic on you. And magic, best believe I have it. I live it, eat it and shit it my ass once a week during my weekly constitutional.
Tonight is a full moon…I need some answers. Time to go out and chat up the big O in the sky.
I cast my spells, for release I use my hands
Is there a reason there is no well endowed man?
Oh wicked witch that comes this way
There shall be no orgasm for you this day.
Fuck a duck, I mumble to myself. Or maybe I should say shit-fire. I am trying to bring that good ole’ fashioned sayin’ back. Not that any of that matters. I know better…shit-fire! I should have seen that comin’. The moon will always tell you the truth but he can be a real smart ass. Time for a different approach.
Who is the largest male in the land?
His penis thick and long and grand.
This very night, the king fucks his wife,
He fucks her with his very life.
She screams and begs and pleads for more
With each stroke he fills her to the core.
See how easy that was. You know, when talking with the supernaturals, it really is all about the phrasin’. One slip up, and no matter how wicked and evil and perverse you think you are…and I am the biggest, baddest witch out there, I can’t do jack if I don’t take the correct approach. Now that worked…shit-fire!
The king…so he really is a big stud. I had heard that he had perhaps pleased a lady or two before he was married. But you know, you fuck the king and the story just gets grander with the tellin’. When it comes to anything about the king, it is all truths, lies and spies. You have to know your biz so you can ferret out one from the other. And as big and bad as I am, some days that is easier said then done. That is why I check my stats with the moon. The Big O, sees all, hears all, speaks all if you show enough veneration and ask the right question. I show my veneration by addressing him as the Big O. One night I was drinkin’ and dancin’ around with my girly parts under that great big orb and he told me he was the reason there were orgasms. Who am I to question? I have called him the Big O ever since and he eventually comes through.
When I rise the next morning, I know what has to be done and it is mine alone to do. Walking out to the well, I draw the water and speak the words,
Beauty is as beauty does and I am the most beautiful by far
So soak me smooth and soak me deep and raise the beauty bar.
As I walk back my body begins to dry. Skin smooths and my hair curls and glistens. My lips, both sets, gets fuller and I can feel the beauty mark next to my lip fade back in. It is a good day! I am off to see the king!
Before I even reach town, I can hear the rejoicing! The Princess is celebrating a birthday! There are things that represent five, everywhere…five loaves of bread in the baker’s window. Five slaughtered pigs hanging from the butcher’s shop. Five gallons of ale and five rocks stacked everywhere, as far as the eyes can see.
“Oh glory,” I stopped an old mother, “what might I add to the magic of the five?”
“The princess might enjoy having five ribbons tied to a tree and a blessing for each year,” came a toothless smile.
“A birthday celebration,” I mused. “Well, we shall just see about that!”
For the next month I worked my spells, reaching into the darkest depths of hell. I would not be denied my crown, now upon the town folk were but frowns. All cried in vain as the queen withered and gasped out her last, her love and life now lay in the past.
Count them down with me now…
One month to grieve,
Two months to pine,
Three months of thoughts…gone is forever mine.
Four months of hand jobs
Five months of hand jobs are a bore
Six months are long enough to wait now I move my tits in the front door.
We were married and I can understand about the sex. Damn, the king is hung. However, that girl child of his has got to go. And to make that happen, sadly, his royal hungness has to go as well. Shit-fire, I am going to miss that stud in my bed, against the wall, outside under the moon, up on the roof, on the back of a horse, in the front fountain on market day…
Pam smiled at Eric and he shook his head, and said, “We all have that. Great sex. You are going to miss it. Move on.”
We buried the king and that night, the huntsman came to take away the child.
Destroy her I told him with enthusiasm. And leave her remains deep in the forest. Bring me back her heart so I will know the deed is done I cackled gleefully! Oops…the huntsman made the sign for the evil eye. Note to self: Easy with the cackling. People will think you are an evil witch.
Later that night, I hear something go splat against my window. Walking out onto the balcony, there is a bloody mess that has slid down the lead pane, but that is why there are servants, soon to be slaves! At my feet there is a heart!
I am golden!
The years pass and my life is just damn good! I rule absolutely and I work a spell every night so I am loved absolutely. The big O smiles down at me and I know I am the most fuckingtastic babe to walk the face of the earth.
One night I was out drinkin’ and dancin’ under the Big O and I heard a snicker. Now who in their right mind would be laughin’ at me? Listenin’, it is coming from above my head.
“Big O,” I called out in my worrisome voice. “Are you actually laughing at me?”
No response. Shit-fire! It has been a while!
“Are you actually laughing at me? You Big O goodness I can see through this tree.”
“Things are not as they once were, your beauty pales beside that of hers.”
“Her who?” I demanded, my voice rose in pitch. “Shit-fire!” I muttered, again.
“Who is this beauty that you think so sweet?
With an ugly stick I would like to beat.”
“Her father was big in dick
Her mother you did make sick
Their daughter dances upon the bricks
And her beauty grows with each advancing tick.”
I felt like screaming! So the huntsman let her go after all…if I had a gold brick for every time I have been double-crossed, well…I’d have one gold brick. But this was a mighty-big, weighty gold brick. And now I needed answers.
“Clearly Big O you know all
I harken you to please answer my call
Tell me true where she does reside
So I might go at once and remove her lovely hide.”
“Far away she lives each day
With seven males each have their way
Of loving her and wanting her to stay
For they do so love watching her at play.”
What? What? She lives with seven men? Are you kidding me? What have I done? The sexual pleasure she must know! The multiples! The…the…it staggers the mind!
Time to takeout my sexton and bob and map her happy ass…shit-fire….or perhaps what was left of her happy ass, and find her and end this. She is supposed to be dead. Instead she is the most beautiful creature alive and having the time of her life!
My magic has never failed me and it led the way through the woods deep into the heart of the forest. I walked that day and the next and the next. I killed three boar, six wolves and three hedgehogs. Those little fuckers may look cute, but they will eat your magic and waddle away to sleep for a hundred years while they morph into a wizard that not only has your power multiplied times one hundred, but his own as well.
Shit-fire, that damned huntsman! How was it that the wild animals had not eaten both of them?
Finally, I was in the shadow of the mountain and there sat a very small house with a thatched roof and a round red door and beautiful gardens. And there, watering, was indeed the girl who could only be Snow White.
Taking off my nasty girl bustier it was time to go to work. I messed up my long, perfect tresses, rubbed my mascara in so I had raccoon eyes and rolled down my socks so that you could see them peeking out under my dress. I have seen grandmas do this. What a turn off. I know I can be trusted.
“Hello, lovely one,” I called in my old crone voice. “Have you a drink of water for this old mother?” I just about choked on that, referencing myself as such, but, I had to think of the greater evil I would wreck.
“Hello,” her voice called back. “I have here my watering bucket. If you would wait, I would fetch something out of the house.”
If she went back in the house, she could close the door and latch the windows. Best just go with what was handiest.
“For this old mother,” I actually choked that time, “the bucket will be fine.”
I took a drink and while the fool bent down to pick a flower, I spit it out. Drink that? Are you kidding? Fish fuck in it!
“For you kindness to me,” I smiled, “I have a small gift. I see you are a woman and should be wearing this corset,” I held it up for her to admire. I defined nas-s-s-te-e-e wear! Well yes, she is just a whore after all. You should see the look on her face!
“Here, allow me to fit it to you.” Before she could say a word I had her turned around and laced in. Turning her to face me, that girl did have some award-winning ta ta’s staring back at me through her dress. “Just needs a slight adjustment,” I smiled as I tightened the laces in the front, then again in the back. When she stopped breathing and fell to the ground, I know my work here was done. Well almost. I pulled those tits that were the size of melons up and out. If she were not already dead, she would smother will all that in her face.
It was a three-day walk, back. The deer were in rut and the bucks all wanted to kill me. Shit-fire! When I was not watchin’ my back, I was duckin’ antlers!
It was good to be home. I bathed and waited for the next full moon. Maybe I was gloating when I stood out in that field and shimmed all the way to the ground.
“Perfection is mine once more
Beauty is dead, she died at her door!” I shouted in glee.
“Your magic sucks, your shit is weak,
She is alive and has been for weeks.”
Sookie sat shaking her head and rolling her eyes and trying not to laugh. Pamela…woof!
Eric and Samuel both looked intrigued and swallowed. Sookie thought maybe both of them had engaged in sex with more than seven at a time, all with great…big…ta ta’s. And from the way Eric was looking at Samuel, they just might have been at that party, together. Eric’s eyes were fixated on his brother and glinting. Her husband was looking like he was going to have something to say if Signy ever wanted to have sex with just one! Damn, in the years to come, Samuel was not going to have a pleasant time of it. And if Signy was like her mother, she would have exceptional ta ta’s!
“I,” Eric stopped and then looked down at the story. “I thought she was with living with dwarves? They were her protectors. They loved her as a daughter!”
“Yes,” Samuel nodded in agreement. “Dwarves. And very small ones at that, according to this illustration.”
“Child,” Eric’s concentration shifted to Pam. “You are no longer the lead in this story. Now, who drew the slip of paper that said dwarf?”
“That would be me,” Samuel sat up straighter and smoothed out the slip of paper on his knee. “I shall pick up where Pamela has left off.”
We found Snow White crying out in the woods. The small, beautiful child was so pitiful that her tears broke out hearts.
When we asked her about herself, all she knew was that she was five and that her mother and father were dead.
“What were their names,” I had asked her.
With sobs that racked her body she replied, “Mommy and Daddy.”
“What did they call you?” I asked her, my heart breaking along with hers.
“Snow White,” she sobbed.
Her forlorn heart broke ours as well and together we walked back to our home. Our small shelter beside the mountain welcomed us in the early twilight darkness as we heard the wolves begin to howl and the wild boars settle in for the night.
When we rose the next day there was work to be done, but we could not leave her by herself. So we made our plan. Each day, my six brothers and I took turns watching over her. In the simplicity of the mountain’s shadow, we lived and played and stood guard over this precious small one that we called our own.
I never grew tired of hearing her call my name. That tiny voice saying “Sam-u-el” would cause me to float on the breeze and cool the water in my cup upon hearing her speak it. In those first months, her small voice and precious kisses were a delight to us all.
It was with great wonder we watched her grow. As the years passed, it grew just a bit more crowded in our home, for we were small and she was tall, but we cared not. For Snow White was with us and each day she brought us joy and pleasure.
We were late in returning one evening. We rang the bell at the gate so that she would know we were home and would come out to greet us. When she did not appear we hurried toward the house and could see here lying on the ground. Upon her body was a naughty ladies bustier. Someone had turned our sweet innocent into a whore of the night! They had rouged her lips, cheeks and nipples! Her ears were pierced and…and…Ian, who visited with ladies of the night, gasped in horror as he pulled down her dress… “Pierced!” was all he could whisper as we all sobbed for our dear one who we feared had left us.
“Who has done this to our innocent?” I gasped. “And we shall not send her to her grave looking like that,” I said as I wept great tears. Taking my knife I cut the bustier off and pulling it away, she began to breathe!
“What?” Pam eyed them. “She lives with seven men. Her tits would have been thrust out to the moon. I would have so put her in a nasty bustier if I would have got to finish. And the only way your know your tits look their best is if you can’t breathe. I remember those days and I was vamp!”
“Please continue Samuel,” Eric smiled through clinched teeth.
We worried over her and throughout the night. What were we to do? Who would do such a thing? We talked this around. Bert always paid his lady well when he went to visit her. So did the others who had on occasion spent the evening at a pleasure house. We could not imagine any of the women that we frequented coming out this way and doing this. But it was done and so we had to have a plan because we had just found a new vein of gold in the mountain and the gold fever had us!
After our Snow White slept, we talked long into the night and decided the best thing to do was just to tell her not to talk to strangers and that evil abounded. When she woke the next morning, we explained what she must do if wickedness again came this way.
The days passed quietly and no evil returned to our door. We once more felt comfortable as we went about our routines. The moon smiled down on us and our dear one was once more singing as she went about her chores.
We were late coming home and in the waxing moon light, we could see that our front door was open and our Snow White was upon the floor. Her hair had been parted and died numerous colors. Her hair done up in braids and in places cut! And what was left of her silken tresses was caught up in two combs fashioned from tortoise. One was male and one was female and the two placed together formed the sexual act.
“I have those,” Pam whispered. “I wore them every dark during Cromwell’s time.”
“I am not surprised,” Samuel muttered as he continued on.
Our warnings were not enough and we sobbed and feared that once more she was dead. Those combs in her hair were pure smut and I removed them immediately. Once out, I could smell the poison on them and when lifted from her hair, our girl sat up. We were so overjoyed that she once more lived that we could not scold her. But we had to know how this had come about and so we asked her what had happened.
The story was the same. An old woman had called out to her.
“But she was so kind, this granny,” our girl sobbed. “So kind. She offered to do my hair! I was so excited! I had never had my hair done before! And as she worked she talked of how pleased my husband would be. When I told her I had none, that I lived here with my loving dwarves, ” she cackled and winked at me and said, ‘Good for you dearie!’ Then she placed the combs in my hair and that is all I remember!”
Evil, wicked ways had found its way to our door! We feared for her! And for ourselves! What would we do if this terror did not stay away from our home?
But the gold fever has us! And we tried to rationalize and to think our way through but the gold tugged on our hearts. The best advice we had to give her was, “Stay inside! Open the door to no stranger!”
The days were pleasant and our Snow White worked in her gardens before we left in the mornings and after we came home. Cheerily, we worked along beside her to keep her company. She was our heart, when we were with her, she was our all.
The full moon came and went and one day, when we returned home, on the table was a basket of apples, and entering the house we could smell the foul poison that wafted from the basket. Our dear one lay dead upon the floor. “Poison,” we gasped as we wept. If we had not been greedy, one of us would have stayed with her. One of us would have kept her safe! We could not think of putting her in the ground! Instead, together we built for her a casket of clear diamond sheets and fastened it with straps of gold. Her garden grew about her and the roses set off the bloom on her cheeks and the redness of her lips. In death, she was just as beautiful as she was in life. As we left each day to go to our mine, the deer, rabbits and hedgehogs came to keep her company. Our hearts were broken as we grieved and counted our losses and cried because we knew the blame was no one’s but our own.
In her sweet innocence we left her to face an evil world…”
“Yadda, yadda, yadda, grief, shame, more grief. Samuel, you have been voted off the island,” Pam said. “On to the good part! Where her Prince Charming rides up… or maybe her Princess Charming?” Pam smiled and batted her eyes.
“Prince Charming,” Eric arched an eyebrow at his child as he held up the slip of paper. “These are my bona fides, right here.”
My father is King Broutnr. In a land far to the West he sits upon his throne. As his heir, I am on a quest. To prove my courage and strength, I shall search for evil and destroy it. I shall bring justice where there is none and right any wrongs that may fall in my path. Then I shall return home to my father and tell him of my travels and good deeds and when he dies, he will know that he has left his realm in the best of hands.
Pam snickered, Eric growled, and the room once more lapsed into quiet.
As I traverse this land, most here are farmers and woodsmen and hunters and do not gossip. They can tell me nothing as I travel from hamlet to hamlet, searching for evil. In one town, I see women lounging against a door and hanging delicates out of windows. Most excellent, a whorehouse! These women will know who is doing what to whom!
They are all happy to see me and spill with knowledge when I tell them who I am and my duties. They insist on helping me. Upstairs they have pen and paper and we go off together to make a list of names and places evil was last seen!
I find this to be most helpful. I paid them in coin and as I continue my journey, I now stop at the bawdy house first. This saves me much time as the good and decent folk that live here do not idle away their time in gossip. And in this hamlet, they do not idle away in sex with their mate, either. This whorehouse has a revolving door! I have never seen such the like and am so shocked I must go and investigate this for myself.
It is here that I am the most successful. They tell me there is a dwarf that comes to visit them. He speaks of the great evil that had visited them after each full moon and how a malicious witch took their beloved Snow White from them.
Snow White? I muse and I ask if they know more about her. Why yes, the ladies smile as I show them my pouch filled pouch. The fall upon each other to explain to me that the dwarves found her as a small child in the woods fifteen years ago. She was so young she did not know from where she came. Only that her name was Snow White.
I paid in coin for the information and shook my head no when a woman took my hand and placed it on her rose tipped breast. Snow White…when I was ten a marriage contract had been brokered between myself and the Princess Snow White. Her parents had died and we were told by the new queen that the child had taken ill and died as well.
I needed to find the dwarf! If this witch had lied to us and then later killed what was mine, I would keep her alive for days for the evil and lies she had perpetuated upon our house!
As I departed from upstairs, making my way to the main floor, I could see sitting at the bar was a dwarf. Taking a chance, for dwarves might be small but are meaner than a badger, I asked him if I might approach. As he downed his ale I purchased him another and asked him the question, “Do you know of Snow White?”
The change in him was most remarkable. Great tears welled up in his eyes, from his nose came such a great honking sound that it shattered the windows, and when he started crying, all the donkeys in the streets began braying along with him while the dogs howled and the cats screeched.
It took ten tankards of ale to stop the blubbering and weeping and just sorrowing in general. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, I know her.”
“I am her promised husband,” I replied, bowing my head. “What can you tell me of her?”
By the time the sun rose, we had consumed all the beer and ale in the tavern. We had drunk toasts to Snow White and death wishes to the evil witch. As we walked out into the sunshine, I mounted my horse, he mounted his goat and I followed him home.
There in the dew drops and the early morning rays of the sun, I could see her. It was remarkable, that even from this distance her beauty shone through and that even in death it still held true.
Dismounting, the other dwarves gathered around and my new-found friend Samuel from the bar explained to them whom I was and why I was here.
“You would take her from us?” they sobbed.
“She is mine,” I responded, pure of heart. “But now that I see her in her lovely bed, I do not know how I could even contemplate such a thing. I cannot,” I sobbed. “For now she is just as lost to me as she is to you. Please,” I kneeled down by her crypt, “please lift the lid and allow me just one kiss! One sweet kiss from lips that are as red as roses and her hair as lovely as…” I stopped for a moment for a better look. What the fuck? I said nothing out loud but still…what the fuck?
“The witch,” they all said wiping their eyes as fresh tears fell. “She gave her a mullet, pierced her ears and other parts as well,” they sobbed.
“Evil,” I said aghast, “such evil shall pay!”
Gently they lifted the lid and just as gently I lifted her perfect lips to mine. Mine touched hers…why they were not cold at all! Surly they had been warmed by the morning sun streaming in upon her lovely flushed cheeks and her full and ripe bosom that strained beneath the white chemise that adorned her body.
As tears streamed down my face I heard her cough, then sputter then a chunk of something came flying out of her mouth as her hands wrapped around my neck and she drew me back down for a more intimate kiss!
As our tongues frolicked and her moans became louder until at last we must draw apart or my pants were going to be undone and King Eric was going to proclaim himself the ruler of this new land!
From behind me I hear gasps of joy and I am roughly pushed aside as seven dwarves gather her to themselves and help her from her jeweled casket.
I give them their time with her. They have raised her as their daughter, it is now time for this lovely creature to be my wife.
We sit outside and drink the May wine in golden goblets as she tells the story of the poisoned apple. How the basket was left at the door with a note saying it was from the dwarves. They had picked them before they left and they were for her to eat. Heads were shaken at the clever treachery as ale was poured and pipes were brought out and lit. Fanciful smoke images filling the night air.
I told her who she was and that when I was ten, our parents had agreed to a marriage contract between our royal families. Gently, I told her that her parents had been poisoned by the same witch that had poisoned her. She wept at my telling and in my arms she found comfort as I stroked what was left of her lush hair. I promised her I would find this witch and end her days!
Looking up into my eyes, her tears sweetly falling, she told me that while sleeping in the casket, she had dreamed of me; that we passed the time charmingly and became good friends. “You are just as handsome now as you were in my dreams,” she said shyly. “So when I woke, and you were kissing me, I thought I was still dreaming.”
The blush that covered her body told me she dreamed of us doing more than talking. So she dreamed of me kissing her! As her blush deepened and her breathing became heavier, I heard King Eric calling to sound the trumpet and sit down to feast! Shifting just a bit to contain him, I smiled at her and such a sweet smile she offered back. She had dreamed of us taking our pleasure! Now that I had the image of her lying beneath me, I turned to the dwarves and said. “Prepare a marriage ritual. For tonight she will be my wife and King Eric shall crown her as his Queen!”
The table was moved from the middle of the garden to make room for the ceremony. The dwarves stood in a circle in its stead and we stood in the center of the dwarves. There in her garden, under a full moon, I gave her a pledge of my love and she gave me the pledge of her body and the children that would grow in her womb. I placed my signet ring on her finger and she placed a jeweled ring from her thumb on mine.
The dwarves passed around, gold, silver and then jewels and placed them at our feet. “This is her dowry,” they all chanted. “Our daughter is married and from our house to her new home she takes out love.”
Sweeping her up, I carried her out in the woods, I made a bed of pine boughs and fresh flowers and on top of this I placed my cloak. Undressing her, I laid her down and covered her with my coat. Removing my clothes, I got into the warmth beside her.
As I pushed up against her, I hear King Eric shouting in celebration!
“What is it my friend?” I asked him.
“Her Queen gives to me a ring! Truly we are married!”
“The witch,” I said to my wife.
“Yes,” she nodded. “There, there might even be a tattoo. I am not for sure. But my ass cheeks hurt for several days. I could not let my fathers check for me. They were embarrassed enough the way it was.”
“Here,” I kissed her gently, “let me look. For I am your husband and it is my place to do so.”
In the bright moonlight I could read it distinctly. Located lower on her perfect ass it read, Fuck a Full Moon Here. I was shocked and also titillated. Would she allow this?
“Please, tell me,” she sighed. “King Eric is throbbing against my leg and leaking and shouting something that sounds like Happy New Year.”
Clearing my throat I said, “Fuck a full moon here.” I gently ran my hand down her crack.
“Oh,” she said in understanding and then giggled. “Really? That area is….ah-h-h-h…”
“Soap and water and a cloth,” I snuggled in closer.
“Oh,” she pulled me down and kissed me. “I’d like to try other things first, but I don’t think I am averse,” she said as the kiss deepened and her tongue was stroking mine. Just what, I had to ponder, did we do in her dreams? With much anticipation, I was ready to find out!
“Baby on board!” Sookie squeaked out. “We shall not be discussin’ our sex life in front of our daughter!” Pinching him on the arm, she glared at Eric also just to add emphasis to the point she was making.
“Well drat,” Pam drawled. “That could have been worth listenin’ too. But it is all about the baby”…. Her voice sounded like June Cleaver as she wiggled all over and rolled her eyes. “So let’s just move on. Here comes my inglorious death!”
Eric smiled and began…
As we rode through the land, I proclaimed to one and all that Prince Eric, her husband, had returned Queen Snow White of the realm to them.
We were well received and their devotion to their Queen both heartened us and discouraged us. Her people lived in poverty. Where once there had been libraries and universities for great learning there were now smut houses and poxed whores plying their trade for pennies. Their pustules and boils and abscesses attracting big, bibulous blow flies staggering in delight, drunk on the festering puss and zombies…”
“Oh come on,” Pam wailed. “I get it…evil! Just get to the killin’!”
We could see the castle in the distance and as we approached, voices were raised and cheering sounded across the valley as they recognized their Queen Snow White. For she looked just like her good and righteous mother Queen Sookie!
Walking up the steps to the front doors, the imposter was standing there to greet us.
“Where is your grand-daughter,” I demanded.
“What?” came her outraged reply.
“I am looking for the beautiful wicked witch that has laid a spell on this land. You are not her. Is she a coward? Does she fear to meet us?”
“What?” she screeched. “I am she. I am the one to be feared. I am the most beautiful one of all!”
“You look like were shit that has been pissed on by the pack,” I replied taking a step closer. “And smell like it as well. Now bring forth your grand-daughter, you old hag, so that I might destroy her.”
“You, you…” she spit and sputtered. “I shall destroy you!”
“Fine,” I laughed. “And I am sure you shall, right after you get that wart removed from your nose so you can see who it is you are casting your spells upon.”
“I am the Evil She!” she screeched at him!
“Prove it,” I snickered. “Turn yourself into, oh, I don’t know, a toad like that one in the garden.”
“I shall not,” she seethed. “I am above that!”
“See,” I smiled at Queen Sookie. “ Just an old hag.” Turning my attention back to the witch I said with a smirk, “Bring out your grand-daughter.” With hearty laughter I added, “And go to back to scaring the crows out of the corn!”
“Fucker!” she hissed. “I’ll eat your heart for my breakfast!” as the smoke engulfed her and there sat a toad.
With a few steps I was there and stomped on her with my boot. Her guts made a satisfying squashing sound as her blood squirted beneath my heel and out onto the pavers.
It was instantaneous! With Evil’s demise, the spells were broken and the air was once more clean and sweet. Gardens bloomed and vegetables grew and the rabbits grew fat and happy and made a fine stew.
“No, Eric, no please,” Sookie was shaking her head. “We are not ever to make bunny stew out of the rabbits that will come to the garden and Baby Signy will undoubtedly name.”
“Really?” he asked, his voice curious. “Even though not tame she will name them?”
“Oh yes,” Sookie kissed him on the nose. “Frogs that she hears singing, turtles that will pass though. Robins that will sit on the feeder. Cute bunny rabbits that will eat my flowers. She will name them all. So no hasenpfeffer. No bunnies in the cook pot. Just sayn’,” she grinned at him.
“She would not have survived as a Viking, my wife,” he chuckled.
“I know,” she sighed, “but I would not have either.”
“Oh-h-h, it is just not cats that you like, ” he nodded in understanding. “You did this also.”
“Eric,” her eyes got a little misty. “I still do. They were all my friends,” she wiped away the tears. “And then, after Gran died…” the tears slipped down her face. “It was good to be able to come home to the quiet and my small friends who did not judge me.”
“Lover,” he kissed her as his hands caressed her face and he rubbed his nose against hers, “my wife, my Queen Sookie. Wicked are the ways of this world, but you, my Lover, you shall have your happily ever after.”
You should have seen me dancing and woo hooing and shouting “It’s a one shot!”
Then reality set in…it’s a chapter in an anthology of fairy tales…rolls eyes and bangs head on back of chair.
Summer is here and that means time to get back to editing and proofing and trying to finish up a couple of novels for e-publishing.
I have no idea when I will be back this way again.
Doing my daily writing exercises helps by providing a break from looking at the same words over and over. The fairy tales are a result of that. I shall try and work that venue.
I also have a RL blog site and I am moving some articles from there to here. The Mother Nature short is one of them. As always, thanks for reading! You guys rock!